Self-destructive

Fear! Fear is one of the most powerful driving engines of human psyche. It conditions us as much as, for example, love… and sometimes even more. Fear of being abandoned, fear of being cheated, fear of being laid off. It can seem a primitive instinct and maybe it is but it doesn’t seem to have anything primitive about it. In fact, the more intelligent and educated one is, the more fear one will feel – because one can envision much more ways of being hurt.
Hurt?! Well, that is the big idea – that we fear only bad things. Not necessarily true – sometimes, when we get too close to something good, very good, extraordinarily good, we fall into the eternal too good to be true and we start digging, investigating, analyzing, just to find out what is wrong with that close-by success. If there is nothing we can find wrong, we make-up something just to certify that nothing can be that good. I had good things a couple of times within my reach and I managed to sabotage myself with this self-destructive attitude.
It is as if – instead of being happy for a while but facing a probable misery, I am afraid of this happiness that will not last and I am ready to sacrifice it, so I don’t grow wings, so I don’t go close to the sun, so I don’t find out later that the sun is just a light bulb and that I am not Icarus but a moth.
There are places where the mind is of no use and where faith is all one needs. Faith is the only one that can keep the fear in check – not blind faith but a warm faith placed on the right to happiness we most probably have.

2 Comments

  • evi

    August 30, 2011 at 6:04 pm Reply

    Therefor, it is good to enjoy the moment. thoughts about past – not rememberings – and the future are wasted hapiness…

    • andi

      August 30, 2011 at 9:15 pm Reply

      Not sure. I never went for Carpe Diem or other things which don’t help us because they are easier said than done. To be honest, one of my theories is that we can only live truly in the past. Present is instantaneous, future is uncertain so what is left but go back… but in those moments that were good, that cover you up – as like to say – as a comfortable, warm, puffy blanket. It is what works for me when things are not so good. I try to make them better and sometimes I have enough a grip on the present to feel the future, a possible one… When it never comes true, I sob for a while over the shards of that future of happiness and… I pick myself up and go on. After all, death is the only problem without a solution. Everything else comes and goes on this beautiful and full of surprises river that is LIFE 🙂

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