Buying love

The fat raindrops break on the windshield into something that looks like asteroid craters. I travel at snail speed, caught in the stop-and-go traffic. My mind drifts away, just like the red car inching into the other lane without the blond, teenage driver noticing because she is text-messaging someone.
Why do we try to buy love? Most of us do it – direct and indirect, visible or not. I just realized – with shame – that this is what I have been trying to do. For a very, very long time. I would say 38 years but it would be too melodramatic since I didn’t start until I was a teenager.
The shame I feel has nothing to do with the fact that it is stupid to attempt anything like this – and we all know it or we should. It derives from the fact that I criticized this behavior in others many times. Until now, though, I never realized I did the very same thing. Agreed, I was not trying to buy love with fur coats, cars, diamonds or expensive vacations. I was doing it in a more subtle way… trying to show off, trying to overachieve, trying to be the first. Be first or go home. Be a fighter or you are nothing.
I used to be hard on others and I considered it fair because I was even harder on myself. It wasn’t. I know it is corny but in my simple, skewed way I just wanted to buy love.
I reach again a full stop, holding the clutch then I release gently and I move ahead a little bit. My leg is tired and it trembles. It’s like my strength drains together with the rain.
I’m not going to write you love song” plays onto the radio. Why not? If you love him and that is what you do – write songs – why not write it? Just because he wants it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t offer it to him. He wants love, he needs love and if you would just give him his damn love song maybe everything would be all right and the both of you won’t end up caught in a crowded solitude.
I chuckle because I remember the Seinfeld episode where he was dating the massage therapist and he was eager to get a good massage… and she would refuse to understand his hints.
Right! Buying love. Why do we do that? My mind knows that there is no way love can be purchased. True one, in any case. Not with jewelry, not with a social status, not with a successful career. No, love is rand… It dawns to me. If we stop trying to buy love, we have to admit that love is random. That it doesn’t matter what you do, who you are, how beautiful or ugly you are – it’s all a happening over which you have no control. Love comes and goes as it pleases. Not only “money can’t buy love” but “nothing can buy love” – yes, some things can be done – voluntarily or involuntarily – to maintain it or have it fade.
And its random factor also means that it could never happen… or never happen again… It’s scary. And that is why I have to change gears… radio stations… memories…

5 Comments

  • Sandra

    May 30, 2010 at 5:24 pm Reply

    I think you could buy love. It is very expensive though. Is not based on paper, card, cheques or this type of payment. The payment is different.
    Have you ever manage to read what is love. I think you should read about what love is and what love is not. I am on my way and think that spiritual self-growth is an ingredient to buy love, cuddles, hugs, kisses, eros, etc. Best of luck buying your own self-love.

  • andi

    May 30, 2010 at 8:48 pm Reply

    I wish you would have read it more carefully. What we do is not the same with what we should do. The article is about the futility of trying to buy love. Although I read what love is in hundreds, if not thousands of of versions, I know that love is not in theory but in practice. As for self-love, you know what that leads to, eh?! Narcissism. And narcissistic people can’t show love for anybody else but themselves.

  • andi

    March 17, 2011 at 8:23 pm Reply

    Nici o iubire adevarata nu se cumpara cu nimic, sau cel putin asa cred eu. Admiratie, interes – dar astea nu sint dragoste. Daca era posibil sa “cumpar” dragoste as fi facut-o deja dar tot ce sintem invatati, mie viata mi-a demonstrat ca nu se aplica. E un joc de ruleta condus de reguli brutate: vrem ce nu putem avea, dispretuim ce putem. Fosta mi-a spus ca anii cind am tratat-o cel mai prost au fost anii cind m-a iubit cel mai mult… si am mai remarcat aceasta in alte relatii, schimbare uneori in aceeasi relatie: cind eram interesat, aparea distanta, cind ma departam eu, ea fugea dupa mine.

  • violet

    June 29, 2011 at 9:15 pm Reply

    Keep your heart open and love will find the way in…You have to be in the “love mood” so she can recognize you!
    “Buying” love? Why?!! It’s sooooo,,,,,,for free!!!
    🙂

    • andi

      June 29, 2011 at 10:04 pm Reply

      That was my point – can’t buy love. But here we differ in beliefs. You still believe there is something something one can do to get love “keep the heart open”. I honestly believe that it is a random act, a happening if you want. Why would want even try to buy love? Maybe circumstances made one believe that if one is not good enough – in school, in following the “right” path, in always doing the right thing, impressing, moving the mountains – one doesn’t deserve to be loved!

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