Try to ignore these depressive thought. They are just an emtpy howling to the moon. I still feel the need to lay them down so here they are…

Tomorrow will be better. Through how many tomorrows can one survive?! A tomorrow that will be better and never is. Sometimes it seems that that tomorrow when things are good, peaceful, meaningful, is just around the corner. Then, without a warning, those hopes crumble. How many times, do you think, Phoenix can rise again before it becomes a simple chicken and remains in the flames to get roasted.
I use to be immortal. Full of dreams, hopes, always postponing the greater purpose I thought I was meant for. And I could dream and achieve if only it served somebody. A random one like in the old sophism “The meaning of life is to give it a meaning”.
Then life throws upon one days like this, when one is in doubt.
I lived in 40 years what most people live in 80, if they are lucky. It wasn’t because I was special but because I had eyes to see what I have been living. I lived not only my life but also the lives of the ones surrounding me: my grandparent’s lives, my parents’, Brindusa’s, Gabriel’s and of all the other interesting people who have touched my life. And somehow, despite this great burden placed on my soul by this continuous introspection and understanding, I managed to find a purpose to all this absurd game that my life was. Yet now, more often, I find myself without an aim, erasing one after the other all those beliefs that guided me, that gave my existence a meaning. Gabriel?! He’s a great kid and would probably be better feeding on the image of a father who tries, who told him so many stories, who guided him, than the one of the father going through life like a ghost. My parents?! They never thought I had a purpose. Myself?! I am disappointed with myself – just a fly pretending to be an eagle, who managed to accomplish good things but never extraordinary ones.
I will pull up now the dark but soothing blanket of forgetfulness and I will sleep. Good night, Andi!

Watcha gonna do?!

The lack of logic frustrates me. It frustrates me deeply. I can’t help the feeling of being helpless when I am confronted, for example, with a mother complaining about her child’s weight and 10 minutes later encourages him to have a snack and use lots of mayo. Or somebody complaining about the debt burden and then, right away, proposing a long, expensive vacation.
People are not stupid. Not THAT stupid, anyway, yet they seem to not exercise any control over their live. Mostly everyone agrees that we are trashing this planet but most don’t see anything wrong throwing 2-3 years old electronics just for the sake of latest fashion, replace the car every 4-5 years, buying more junk to fill their closets. Everyone says financial responsibility is very important but when you point out their debt, they say “well, everyone has debt”. Most of the people deplore the technology invading their lives, but if one waits a few minutes you will hear “Ohhh, I am adicted to my blackberry/iPad”. All the media is filled with articles about the decline of knowledge – high-school graduates not being able to be functional even in the most modest jobs, inculture of the most shameful kind, yet somehow the main idea of the education system is to not push the children to achieve more, do more. We are surrounded by a “whatever” generation and yet many of us replace parenting with friendship and expect teachers to do our “dirty” work… but without being stressful on the children in any way.
Most people know what is good for them, know what is the correct thing to do yet they indulge themselves into doing what they want, when they want it. Of course, everything has a justification. “The more you buy, the more you save” or “we need confort” or “carpe diem”. Nobody accepts the fact that our perverse mind can rationalize anything and give a justification even to the most unjustifiable things.
Caught up in hedonism, preferring immediate, superficial pleasure to deep, long term satisfaction, we ignore willingly common sense. Of course it is hard doing the right thing, it takes self control, it takes tough standards applied to ourselves but not everything that is hard is bad. So very few children love math – yet should we remove it from curriculum just because it’s unpleasant? Does anybody want a surgery and the long recovery?! Then why don’t we just say to the surgeon “Please, dude, don’t do it because it will be, like, hard on me and, like, totally unpleasant
Why don’t I simply accept and ignore it, enjoy life?! But I do and I apply what is right mostly to me and those that I hold dear. “Whatcha gonna do?!” say all with a shrug. Spread the word, make yourself and people confront their own failures , adjust and try – to the best of one’s abilities – to live by the principles you have. And NEVER accept pre-digested thoughts just because they make your life easier.

Pawning Our Future

My ex said once that we are still born slaves and it is our duty to pay for our freedom. This made me think and compare it with what we accept as being slavery. In Ancient Rome, slaves had the option of saving the tips, do business and profit and, in the end, pay themselves out of slavery. Few did so, indeed. Most would use it for pretty things, wine, instant gratification. Their children, born out of a slave would remain slaves as well.
Truly, there isn’t much difference. Most of us hate to work, to be at specific times somewhere, the rush hour, being away from our children. But we all love confort and instant gratification and we are having issues defining clear and sane boundaries. At 20 we call a confortable car one that doesn’t break in the middle of the road, has running air-conditioning and, maybe, automatic transmission. At 45, suddenly we are having a hard time driving a car without heated seats, without DVD player and navigation system, 7 seats which we fill once a year and 300 HP to carry all that load. At 25, a one bedroom for ourselves is comfort, at 45 we NEED that 3500 sqft and 5 bedrooms for two adults and one child. And to pay for this increased comfort, we have to work, to go where/when we don’t want to, to have 2-3 weeks of rest per year, half of it being used to maintain that huge house…
Easy debt makes us stay always behind the moment of freedom. Bigger income, bigger house, more comfort and we never repay ourselves out of this modern slavery. Comfort?! What could be more comfortable than the thought of playing with the children in the park, reading a book in peace, having enough time to do our chores properly and still be left with some “me time” – all these without thinking of the next bills?!
I believe that everyone should live their lives whatever way they want. Yet I am still shocked that people can’t see this hamster wheel. And they stay blind not for 5-10 years but for all their lives. They declare that they want happiness but don’t seem to notice how miserable they feel after 20 years of doing the same thing, upgrading, replacing, redecorating. Or if they notice they have something missing in their life they blame it on anything else but on this behaviour.
Now, don’t you think that I am blameless! I’ve been through this but when I discovered why I was living hand-to-mouth, I asked myself what am I doing with my life, why do I work in a profession I don’t particularly like – to pay the bills. I want comfort too and I have urges for luxury too but then I fight myself and discover that I can be happy without that Mercedes and without increasing the square footage of my home. The thought that one of these days, soon, I will have repayed my debt to Capitalism, that I will be able to pay my minimum bills with the income I generate, is soothing.
Freedom, for me is to be able to do what I want, when I want. As long as I didn’t reach that point in life, my philosophy is not to over-live. Live the day with the soul, not the wallet.

Truth or Lies

I had a little while back somebody who kept asking me – based on a comment I made on a forum – if I condone lying. “Of course not”, I answered… but then I started thinking. I could come up with lots of situations where a lie would be more appropriate than the truth. A depressive friend who tells you that if she ever catches her husband cheating would comit suicide, and you find out that he, indeed, cheats on her. Would you blurt it out? A family member who asks you with hope in their eyes, after a cancer-check “What did the doctor say?” and the doctor didn’t have anything good to say… Would you blurt it out?! If you see somebody ugly by all measures, would you tell them straight to their face? Don’t give me that “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder” – I’ve seen people that could be considered ugly by any beholder. If truth and lies bear positive and negative connotations, then what should have been my answer?
Then it dawn onto me: truth or lies are simply tools, social tools. What is important is to choose the right tool for the task. But how can we do that?! Easier said than done. I am not sure this is the only answer but I would pick the one that has benefits for the others, not for us.
I did cheat on my wife in the first years of marriage. Why?! That’s a long story but let’s leave it at “I was young and stupid”. I even told her, taking great pride in my honesty. Later, I did realize that I was telling the truth to get away from the remorse I felt. If I have had her best interest in mind, as there was no way she could have ever find out, I would have stopped doing it and learn to live with the shame of what I did.
Each case is separate and to answer precisely where to use truth and where lies is as impossible as to answer the question: when should I use a hammer and when a screwdriver?! Even in the examples listed above, the truth might be a better answer under certain circumstances.