Parenting

It is one of the hottest topics everywhere. Everyone sighs and acknowledges that “children don’t come with a manual”. In the same time, they seem to believe that children come with a bunch of pamphlets and old common sense is dead.

I don’t want to cast the stone because I am far from being without sins. I worried too much, I applied theories like everyone else, I made mistakes, lots of them and I felt like a bad parent and, sometimes, this uneasiness with myself and my decisions made my son’s life less than pleasant. It took me a while to understand what the major issue was. It was the same major issue that I see all around me: it seems that parenting is more about US (the adults) than THEM (the children).

I believe with all my heart that they don’t come with a manual. What works with one doesn’t necessarily work with another one. What works at one age will be destructive at another. Yet, cars are different – different in size, shape, power, torque, yet we kind of drive them in the same way.

I’ll be asking some questions and YOU should be the one to answer them, just like I did it for myself. Some questions seem rhetorical but they are not and if they are you should still try to answer (just like I do, sometimes against the flow of conversation)

  1. Is parenting about making myself feel good? I heard often “I couldn’t do that to my child. I would feel horrible”. It’s only normal that when the child cries or is upset, the parent feels uneasy, to say the least. We wonder “Maybe I was too harsh, maybe I should have caved in, maybe it wasn’t that important”. “I feel so bad” is, no doubt, about ourselves. In my personal view, if we did something that we know it’s right: lay down a rule, stick to our guns in face of tears and unreasonable demands, we shouldn’t worry about how we feel. It might be hard, we might feel guilt… but we have to do the RIGHT thing, not the EASY one.
  2. Since we talk about us: Are we really good people if we do not set rules and force these rules against them, and keep them happy ALWAYS and never make them yell “That’s NOT fair!”? If I don’t teach or try with all the means to teach my children to know right from wrong, if he ever wrongs, hurts or gets hurt… then I guess I am not good. Or so I think about myself. Yes, it burns a parent’s soul to see their child crying, but we should never shy away from doing the right thing. If it ends badly because we didn’t do our job, then most definitely we are not good. And, to return to US: aren’t they members of the same family? don’t they have to keep us happy too? Do they learn the right lesson when we give them something for nothing? Love is unconditional, that’s true… but Disneyland, that expensive toy etc. should they also be unconditional?
  3. Is it a good thing to be friend with your child? While possible, children, in my view, need us to be guidance and authority figures more than they need us to be their friend. Would you heed to the rules a friend would try to make for you? Would you be so responsible as to heed to them just on the base of them wanting you the best, even if you don’t believe that these rules act in your best interest? Most probably the answer is “no”, so when you lose this status of a FAIR boss, don’t ask yourselves “Why isn’t he/she listening to me?”
  4. Did our parents do such a horrendous job? I constantly witnessing a complete “reinvention of the wheel”… and I see by the results that our wheels become more and more square. Were our parents perfect? Most probably not. Was everything they did wrong? They must have done something right if we ended up well. New theories spring overnight from the forever-multiplying psychologists, sociologists, educators and we experiment on our children, completely ignoring anything from our own education. I not convinced at all that what is new is absolutely necessarily better.
  5. Do we want to adjust our children to the world or the world to our children? Sometimes, from what I’ve noticed, we idealize our children and build for them the illusion of an ideal world. They are the most important thing for us, that is true, but are/should they be the most important thing in this world?! How can we make the switch in their mind, from being #1 in our house, to being #25 in a classroom? Aren’t they going to have difficulties adjusting? Are we doing well by protesting at school, high-school, college, job that our offspring are not treated as #1?!
  6. Are we really sure that the world, the universe, anybody else is/should be responsible for them? I was screamed at by a mother when I drove my car about 1m from her 9-year old daughter who was in the middle of the street. She said that I should be careful (wanted me to stop completely) and I reminded her that her children’s life and health is HER and HER daughter’s responsibility, not mine. That sign I see in some neighborhoods: “Watch for our children” is irresponsible. Why would you trust a stranger that he doesn’t hurt YOUR children, instead of making your children capable of staying out the harm’s way?
  7. Are our children dumber, more irresponsible, and more incapable than we were at their age? We were capable of making ourselves a sandwich when we were 12. They are not, and call us for help in the tiniest of tasks. I feel like going back to a): When we do everything for them, aren’t we mostly thinking about us, not wanting/accepting that they grow and there is somewhat called normality, proved by being capable of doing certain tasks appropriate for their age? Nobody is saying “let a 7 year old cook for himself and wash clothes”… but then again, it’s intolerable that mothers of 19-year olds say “I have a child to raise”, feed them, wash their clothes, hand them money. My personal answer is: if they are more immature, more irresponsible is because we made them this way. They will not grow unless we encourage them to grow. Very few of us would take out of conscience responsibilities; most of us take them upon us because we have to.
  8. Is it really a good thing to shield them completely and teaching them there are no consequences for the choices they make? This goes in the same line with “do we want to prepare them for the real world or for the world we desire?”. If we miss 2-3 days from work are there no consequences? If we challenge authority – which I did many times in life – will there be no consequences – which I also learned the hard way? If we chose to cheat, lie, steal, will there be no consequences? Then why is this tolerable for our children under the motto “they’re just kids”
  9. Are children really happier if we set unrealistic standards for all of us? Tennis, karate, violin, art classes – they are a must because something, somewhere (I wasn’t even able to figure out the starting point) teaches us that our children will be failures and not become fulfilled individuals without giving them EVERY opportunity that is out there. Personally, while not being against an extra-curricular activity now and then, I believe that running between classes, ruining our finances and time for this doesn’t make neither us nor them happier and more adjusted. Beside, few parents acknowledge that their children might be… dare we say… average. If they don’t excel at something it means that there is a hidden talent we haven’t yet discovered. At the same time that they acquire all these talents, we forget to teach them to be polite, to flush after using the toilet, to fry some eggs. Because there isn’t much time left of their time, they don’t have the time to read, and get bored, and – yes – think about things.
  10. What is the constant fear that we might be screwing up their whole future if we take a wrong decision? Only God doesn’t make mistakes; we are not God. We can and should do our best, adjust and apologize when we make mistakes. They are flexible, they are smart, they can understand many things – not all but many. I believe that a more relaxed attitude and faith in a good outcome generates better results. At least this is what I noticed on myself.

Raising a child is not simple… and yet it is. Common sense is. If we act based on the emotions and don’t follow this common sense (ours or history’s), I don’t think we are doing well our job. What I advocate for is simply a universe of balance, of fairness. It is a long and painful process but what I think we don’t want is having in the process of correcting mistakes with more mistakes. I.e. Because we don’t let them grow and become responsible, we have to care for them more than we should have otherwise; because we invest ALL our life in their care and development, we set impossible to attain standards and we are disappointed when they cannot reach them, when they chose to do their own mistakes; because they don’t learn that they are not the center of Universe (maybe of our universe but not THE one) we have to fight teachers and the world to put them in the center of the Universe; they mature very slowly and, when left alone they take the wrong decisions because we showed them before that when one takes the wrong decision there are no consequences… and so on.

I believe we can love them, care for them, keep them satisfied and happy AND also prepare them for real life. If now and then us or them will shed tears for what we believe to be their own good, then we shouldn’t cower from doing what we KNOW is right and less what we FEEL is right (and later rationalize it to be what we KNOW).

Forgiveness in relationship

The previous entry was just an introduction to this one. Analyzing my personal life, my family background, the things that brought me peace or made me feel frustrated (sometimes to the point of loss of control), I spent much time thinking why people who care for each other can’t live together, what could have made it better, what are the triggers and what mends.

I realized that, at least for me, fights that do not end in taking responsibility, apology and (maybe) promise to be better, in complete and formal forgiveness, stay with me for a long time. It might be not so for other people. I realized I have a long-term emotional memory. Why do I say “emotional”?! Because, while I remember what was said, I also feel again what I felt and, in a moment, I am back in the emotional swirl of events as far away as 20 or more years. It’s like the frustration, anger and pain of that moment never went away, it was just pushed under the rug, waiting for a right time to be brought in the open again. Pretending it never happened (to hurt/be hurt, to be betrayed/betraying) will never help as it DID happened (or so the other think) and from that point onward only the healing can help, not denial of it happening.

From other people’s stories I understand that this is how many people feel. Okay, not many have outbursts like I do, but they feel the same. I couldn’t help wondering “What is so difficult?! How can one not only hurt and wrong you but also deny they did this, sometimes shift the blame on you”. I heard many stories of people who added insult to the injury and I asked myself why. I know that human nature is weak, I know that we don’t always do what is right and it is ok but if we did wrong, why can’t we at least offer the comfort of an apology. Well, a heartfelt apology, one we can accept, comes naturally only after admitting to ourselves that we were wrong. As I said in the previous posting and in the one about eHarmony, for some people it is so difficult to look in the mirror and see what they did (not what they are; if only they would understand this!) that they are ready to go to any lengths to avoid this. We need to feel that we are the good guys and when this image is untenable from the logical point of view, we shift the blame onto the victim. It’s ironic almost: we are ready to add to our bad deeds and words just to defend the image of the Good-ME.

In any fight occurring in a relationship, BOTH sides are at fault. ALWAYS! While everyone seems to agree on this, when it comes to enumerating their faults in breakdowns of relationships, many will list “too understanding, too good, and too caring”… OMG, aren’t they taking too much burden on their shoulders?! . In fact, if we analyze honestly the situations we could discover that we were brutal, lacked sensitivity, understanding, and patience. If only we could have told that to the other. But, normally, we don’t. It happened to me that I took responsibility and apologized for losing control although I knew that anyone would have lost control in the same situation and the result, contrary to a middle-of-the-road solution was “Yes, you should apologize. Yes, you did wrong”. Unhealed previous fights spring up again in the conversation and the “You NEVER” or “You ALWAYS” throws everything in a destructive spiral.

Let’s check those words. “YOU” is maybe the most unhelpful word in a fight. The only person one can hope to control is oneself. What the other one should have said, done, and think is not something you can influence. If we want to change something, either the world or the behaviour of another person, there is only one person we can act upon: ourselves! “ALWAYS” and “NEVER” are also destructive words. Not only did we shift the blame onto the other with that YOU, but now we transform them into villains and condemn them to an image of evilness. No wonder that they react with the same words. I suspect that these words – ALWAYS and NEVER – come also from the fact that previous conflicts never ended with a complete healing, with apologies, with spreading the blame evenly, as it should have ended. Yet, as we know, “two wrongs don’t make a right”.

How can this vicious circle be broken?! Think, think hard, and force your mind to analyze and to seek your own faults. It has many virtues this path. First, when you discover what you did wrong, it will be much easier for you to forgive the other one. If you start from the angle that you are blameless, you feel entitled to throw the stone. Less so if you admit to your own failings. Don’t start by weighting who is MORE to blame. Maybe you just turned your back onto somebody who was shouting – it seems like an appropriate answer to a less than polite behavior and many people will not accept it as a fault. But that is ignoring the partner, their pain and you were as rude as they were by not accepting a conversation or at least acknowledging that they have a discontent. Secondly, if you manage to see and accept your failings, you are ready to defuse the situation because you are ready for an apology.

The sooner you reach this point, the better this is, in most situations. If the wrong you did is deep, then it might be good to let some time wash the gravity of the situation and then try. Open your mouth and say what you did wrong, accept it and admit it. It should be easy if you admit that you are just a person who did wrong, and that doesn’t make you an evil person.

Let’s recap (I fear I might have lost myself in too many words, as I usually do):

  • As I said, justifications, superficial excuses etc. NEVER help! They can only pour gas on fire.
  • Related to this, what we intended to do has only a limited relevance in the overall context. “I didn’t want it to end this way”, especially when said in a less than caring tone, is no excuse in the fact that (from the point of the other) it came out bad.
  • When one says one is hurt, there is no point in justifying, explaining why they shouldn’t feel that way etc. Feelings are feelings – they exist and by denying they exist we make the pain/frustration/anger grow.
  • Allowing the pride to take over and looking for an easy way out (something like “let’s pretend it never happen”) is no solution, not for the long term. A relationship can continue but it will not be as strong and complete as it could have been otherwise.
  • When a fight occurs, focus on your OWN failings, analyze and see what you did wrong because you DID wrong, even if your wrong seems (in your own eyes) less than the other people’s wrong.
    Think if you never, in your life, did a mistake similar to the one you are blaming. It helps!
  • Once you identified your failings, say them OUT LOUD. You have to make the other understand what happens in your head, how you feel about it. Don’t assume that the others know you feel guilty! Silence is of many kinds: guilty silence, accusing silence, ignoring silence.
  • APOLOGIZE and do it properly. “I apologize for . I was/did wrong” As you can see, there is no follow up after what you did wrong. No “but-s and if-s”! Don’t just say it, believe it! Unless you are Meryl Streep or Jack Nicholson, most people will be able to feel if your apologies are sincere. If you cannot assume responsibility for your faults… then it’s your fault for what will come.
    Insist on these apologies, in the same short and decisive manner, if the other one continues ranting or wait for a more auspicious time (when they calmed down)… Maybe even let them know “I will wait until you calm down and are ready to listen and maybe accept my apologies”
  • Say what you have to say in a short, serious, responsible manner and drop it. Don’t try to get a correct emotional response right away. For some people (myself included) it takes some time to ponder on what was said.
  • Promise that things will get better, that you will work on yourself and try very hard to fix those faults you identified, that drove the other person’s anger.

Will this fix the problem? Will it fix your relationship? Not necessarily! You can ask for forgiveness but you cannot force it. You have good chances, depending on the fault and how skilled you are with words. Besides, what is the alternative?! Continuing fighting, pretend nothing happened until next time when something happens and all these frustrations show up again, ride that destructive spiral? It takes two to fight and it takes two to make-up so you will not be able to solve the problem on your end. If the other person is not so enlightened to make amends and apologies for their own faults, there is nothing you can do ANYWAY. In that case though, you can continue with your life with a clean conscience, knowing that you did everything to fix the fight, the break-down, and it wasn’t possible. Still, be optimistic – people, as I said, want to be good, to forgive and be forgiven. You can create the opportunity for all these to happen.

Apology, Forgiveness and Christianity

I was raised in a culture in which nobody would admit guilt. “L’enfer c’est les autres” (The Hell is the others) seemed to be a Romanian unspoken guideline. Parents were never mistaken, teachers were infallible, bosses never chose the wrong path, marriages ended with bitter resentment on the mistakes of the other, never self-blame. Oh, sure, “nobody is perfect” would be acknowledged and repeated but it never applied to the speaker. That doesn’t mean that people didn’t feel or know they were guilty. We, the Romanians, are not more stupid than other nations. It’s only that words were missing or when they were coming they never give peace and forgiveness.

In 2003, there was a minor incident at work. I assumed the previous sys admin knew what he was doing and I did a modification requested by the company. Under that correct assumption I managed to wipe-out 110 business email addresses and work email started bouncing. When accused, I defended myself and explained that it’s not my fault that the previous sys admin didn’t know what he was doing. My manager looked at me sad and said “Andi, remember: it takes a great man to acknowledge its mistake”. I didn’t say anything but his words resounded long time in my head. After all, in the situation mentioned, if I had been such a good professional I consider myself to be, I would have double-checked the settings left by the previous sys admin.

I wanted to be a great man and with vanity fighting lack of responsibility, I started admitting my mistakes, taking blame, saying “I’m sorry”. In the beginning it was a daunting task – saying the words felt like ripping my guts. In time, it got easier, especially when I noticed the effect on the ones I wronged. They would calm down quickly, and hey would be forgiving and often give me a huge leeway. Most people want to forgive if we’d only give them the chance. By denying guilt, losing ourselves in long and tedious explanations and argumentations, we only manage to enrage the ones we hurt.

Christianity is NOT a dead, abstract philosophy. I never looked at it that way, at least not at Jesus: a concept, some rituals, shiny or dark clothes and candle smoke. It is alive, if only we try to use it. I was never capable of believing in the fact that Jesus is LITERALLY “The Son of God”. I see him just as very humane person: philosopher, psychologist, politician (in a very lose sense), and many more things. I wonder why the form, spread by St Paul, crossed times and ages yet the essence is very often ignored.

Despite many religions having similar or close concepts, Christianity is the one who established a complete model for “repentance”: acknowledgement of the sin, honest sorrow, making amends and, eventually, forgiveness. Such process is needed because, most of the times, it’s not the other’s forgiveness we seek, but our own. With the exception of a tiny percentage of population, pathological cases, it seems to me that there are no good or bad people. We all did wonderful things and we did things less than laudable. We are simply people doing sometimes good and sometimes bad. But we need, we have this basic human need to feel that we are GOOD, that we are the good guys/gals. If we are told that we are bad, if we feel we did wrong, we are overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, we don’t like ourselves, sometimes we even hate ourselves. It’s a amply-discussed concept and I can certify it over what I discovered studying myself: In order to be good, we need to love and like ourselves. But when we sinned or wronged or hurt, be it God or people we love, people we care or even ones we don’t care much for, we stop loving/liking ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves and as the first step toward that personal forgiveness and peace of mind is achieving the forgiveness of the ones we wronged – God (through the mouth of the priest), people we hurt etc. That is (maybe) why Jesus included in his philosophy the idea of “dying for the sins of everyone”. I feel that he wanted to relieve the feeling of shame, of hopelessness that can push us toward more evil actions or words, the same feeling that pushes us closer to Hell (albeit a metaphorical one). When one is a lost soul, when one cannot do anything to redeem oneself, what difference does it make if one continues on doing whatever one feels like? And when you feel bad, you feel like doing bad things. It’s also about hope – without hope of redemption, why would one change one’s ways? If we can, on the other hand, achieve forgiveness and a clean slate, a new start, there is still hope, we can hope we will become GOOD, deserve the love of God and of the others.

The Yin without The Yang

“Yin and Yang are not opposite forces, but complementary forces that interact within a greater whole” – Wikipedia.
I was always afraid of both the people who aim to do good, at all costs as of those who want to do evil. I almost said that I encountered the latter segment much less often but then my mind drifted to my Romanian background where an opinion like “Those [X] should be exterminated and it will be much better” or “Why don’t they execute all those who…” could be heard freely at a, let’s say, dinner party. Still, everyone wants, if not to be good, to be perceived as such. It’s such a pushing and shoving into “the light” zone that one would think that the world is made of children who all want to play the good guys and there are no candidates for the thugs.
Sounds silly my fear, isn’t it?! How can one be afraid of good? Good is good, after all – should probably sound in one’s mind, not used to start on the path of idiotic questions like “what is the definition of good?”. I simply shudder when I encounter that clean, innocent and blank look: That is what we should do because it is THE RIGHT THING to do” (and by “right” read “good”).
In every deed, in every action, there is Yin AND Yang. It’s difficult to accept. Even people who mentally understand this have a hard time accepting it. I know I did. I am not even talking about “shades of gray” but of pure good and pure bad. Give me the one thing you consider that cannot possible be evil and I will show you the evil in it. I remember reading in a National Geographic that teaching children in developing countries to wash their hands could save 3 million lives every year. Who would ever disagree that this is a good thing?! But that special issue of National Geographic was talking about water shortages worldwide and that the planet is reaching the breaking point. Yes, we consume too much and we could be more thrifty but do you really imagine in a world where every drop of water matters. Do you imagine yourself on Arrakis (read Dune if you haven’t done so), where you can only take sponge-baths?!
The search of pure good always led to evil! That is my theory. When rejecting human nature and the dark side of life, when we believe we can separate them, our actions lead to monstrosities. Reading the deeply kind and understanding philosophy of The New Testament, some reached the conclusion that burning people on stakes will make this a better world. Wanting to narrow the gap between rich – who had education, food, a complete life – and the very-very poor who were struggling to maintain a human identity in their unfortunate birth, Communists did create so much pain and suffering. Nazis too. We want good and we want it NOW, we don’t have time to wait for slow changes! And then we suffer and say, for the thousandth time: “Never again!”.
Yes, good and a too ardent desire for pure Yin leads us every time to pure Yang.
I know that it is difficult to accept. I tried to spread this word around – it’s not my finding and it has been said through ages in many, many different ways. Unfortunately, while one can explain such concepts and have people understand them, one cannot do anything about acceptance. Acceptance is something 100% personal – one has to accept such revelations; one cannot be made to accept a revelation.

Searching for happiness

What do people want?! Happiness. Such a vague thing which can mean, pretty much, anything. For some is plenty of food and a place to sleep, for others is a Mercedes or peer recognition. “Know thyself!” is the commandment written in the pronaos of Temple of Apollo in Delphi. “An unexamined life is not worth living” goes Socrates to extremes. I would gladly give up examining my life and others, finding similarities and discrepancies, if only I could find happiness. But, then, how can I find happiness if I don’t know what it means to me and how can I achieve it, if it’s ever achievable.
A huge part of happiness is made of satisfaction. In my case (although it could be possible in other cases as well). Well, how can one be satisfied?! What is satisfaction?! A dictionary said “the fulfillment of desire”. Step by step, generalizing, then pulling back to particular, being a very unsatisfied young man, raised by people who were never satisfied with his performances, I reached a simple law which I will share with you. To me the satisfaction is given by this simple concept: “Always get more than what you give”. It applies to anything – from job, to personal relationships, to all the earthly things.
I used to be a person who was unhappy in the professional life. Accompanying me to Canada was this completely wrong mentality that I was coming to the land of Capitalism, where the more you give, the better you are professionally, the better you are seen, people respect you and cherish you, your voice is listened and a pat on the back will calm your ego. I used to spend nights learning and testing new things, getting professional certifications, never saying “NO” to anybody, going well beyond the call of duty. I thought that was the way to professional satisfaction, to this forever elusive happiness. I ended up, every time, frustrated – people still saw me as the “tinkering guy”, I was never happy – overworked it is difficult to be a happy person, always on the run, always in a rush, and I made quite a few time the list of laid off people, while the “office plant” would stay behind and get a paycheque. I was getting infuriated when projects I tested for weeks, for which I prepared perfectly, were being sunk in the conference room by people who didn’t know much, didn’t care much but had “concerns” which weren’t even very well articulated.
A moment came in 2007, when I worked for Wells Fargo, when this truth was revealed to me. For 2 months I worked hard, asked for work, fought a well-established system. I was coming from a startup where I had wore every hat, from sys admin, to security expert, from dba to helpdesk etc. After a few kafkian scenes, I gave up and I said “If they are upset on me for working too much, let see them upset over me not doing anything”. I started making excuses (very good ones) for not doing my job, start postponing. I was pretty much by the pool all day, doing nothing but replying to 2-3 emails. I didn’t react when a full-time employee (I was a contractor) stole my work and presented it, in my presence, as his work. I stopped caring and I kept on being paid a humongous salary for this attitude. I thought that soon it will come to an end. To my surprise, after a month, in the daily team meetings, I start being… praised. Yes! “Andi is a solid member of our team”, “Good job” (for almost nothing) and so on. It hit me! It wasn’t them – it was me. I was trying to invest too much, making many people look bad.
In short, here are the two solutions to satisfaction – either you invest a LOT and then you will expect a LOT (and this almost never happens) or – the sane and better way – you invest only as much as it is required and any reward is welcome and makes you happy. Since then, I dropped the towel. I kept my mouth shut, I gave 20-30% of what I knew I could give and when “shit happened”, I took it in stride, thinking about how much undeserved money I got.
Unfortunately, shortly after this lesson of life, I had another one. Yes, it doesn’t rain, it pours! My wife asked for a separation. I found myself in the dating world. I said to myself “OK, that applies only to professional relationships, not to personal ones” and, like a teenager, I start locking onto every good woman I could find (believe me – while there might seem plenty out there, there aren’t as many as you think; just like good men). Every time, I gave lots and lots. I didn’t keep any resource behind, what good it would have done to me?! I thought that giving would have enticed the other person into giving as well. After all, I had been, in my first youth, a person who had been taking. Taking and taking and never saying “Thank you!”. It caught up with me and I was set to change my ways. Unfortunately, when one gives a lot, people take it for granted. The more you give, the more you are asked to give. After all, you volunteered to give so much. What is the cost for you, emotional, financial – doesn’t matter, because they do deserve it, isn’t it?!
It would have been great and maybe it would have worked, should I have been naturally an altruist. Unfortunately, I am a selfish person and after giving a while, I start asking myself “Am I getting my investment’s worth?!”. I got it… for a while. And then, instead of keeping the wheel of giving spinning (I give you, you give me), I found myself giving and getting aloof “Thanks”. I felt cheated and I spoke up. I was told that I have been unfair for asking something back. That I should keep silent and don’t ask for anything in return. The giving had come to be taken for granted and I established the precendent: “You give, I take!”. No, no, no – I give if you think of giving back. And no, dont throw a smile or a good pet on the head now and then! And no, good sex doesn’t make up for everything!
I had broken my own rule. I invested a lot and asked for a lot in return. People are NOT capable of doing this. Everyone wants to take more than they give.
I remember something else somebody said. When prepared by a catholic priest for marriage, she was asked “What do you expect from this marriage?”. She said “I want to be happy. I want peace. I want prosperity” etc. The priest listened to her and then proceeded to explain that marriage is not for yourself, is the dedication to your partner. I loved this story because I really believe that this should be the way to a wonderful relationship. Giving and receiving. I know – an article on BBC said that counting who does what is the way to ruin. But then again, a too great imbalance is not to be desired. I have witnessed couples based on: “I take, you give” and I know that would never work with me.

I am a selfish person fighting hard its selfish part. I deserve something in return 🙂

Ahhh, The Arrogance!

All in to throw the first stone, none caring to heal anything.
Hell is paved with good intentions!” we are taught. Yet, so many amongst us, some intelligent, keep on believing that they have the key to the Paradise and it’s made of… you guessed: good intentions! After all, is common sense, isn’t it?! But then again, the old saying “common sense is not so common” is always true in the case of others. Ahhh, the arrogance of thinking that good intentions amount to the worst of plans.
In the hardest of times as well as in the best of times, good intentions trump reasoning. Politicians do it wrong, corporations are to blame, welfare and health care are off the hook or they are not enough. What a blessing it must be to have a simple mind which sees everything as very simple and the choices that we have as being between good and bad! How simple must be everything when Jews or evil corporations or lazy bums are to be blamed for everything! People can straighten all the evils of the world in just 2 hours, over a pint of beer of glass of wine.
Now we are going through a deep economic crisis and people who went happily for the ride when this crisis was being cooked in the oven, are screaming and calling for heads to roll and throwing generous ideas as plans for recovery. Who is to be blamed for this crisis? THE OTHERS as poor Sartre was saying. Who are THE OTHERS? Bankers, corporations, politicians. Right?! WRONG!

(I am not really sure who am I writing this for because those who understand the situation, know it already, those who scream in the street, don’t care much and are too blinded by passion to give my words a second thought. Yet, here it comes.)

Bankers/Corporations – CEO and upper management are making money. Sure. With disregard to the deep social implications which most probably they didn’t give too much thought. Indeed. But, people – THIS IS THEIR JOB. They need to make money, to create profit and to reward the stockholders. If they don’t, they are kicked out on the spot. Check out what happens now on the market (not that you screamers ever bother to check the S&P, understand economy etc.) – if a company misses their PROFIT target, the share price goes down, most of the times ending with the company having to do massive layoffs. I repeat – even if they ARE making profit, just not as much as last year. Are these people making good money?! Of course they are but they argue that they did what they were supposed to do: profit, and deserve to be compensated. Did you ever refuse a pay raise?! They are greedy – of course they are. Would you stay 12h/day at work, travel extensively far from your family and dear ones, if you were paid 20-50% more than if you were to have a comfy 9-to-5 job?!
Smaller ranks, clerks need then to be at fault. After all it wasn’t the CEO of Bank of America who was forcing them to give the loans to UNQUALIFIED people, bad payers, poor people. What sane and good person would give 500,000$ mortgage loan to a family who earns 50,000$ (BEFORE taxes)?! They must be evil! But do you think they were giving it a second thought?! Upper management decided that the price of housing can only go up, so mortgage loans will always be paid, gave bonuses/commissions to those who could bring in people interested in buying a home. As long as your 50-60,000$/year salary becomes 80-90,000$ salary and what they were doing was not only legal but encouraged by their bosses, who would have said NO?! After all, one could argue – I am giving their house, their very own place to live to poor people, I am doing them a favor.
(This pertains to another discussion – what is the real good, is being gentle and permissive momentarily the same one with being good and doing good?)
Stockholders – so stockholders with their lack of patience and desire for quick profit are the ones pushing for more profits. To hell with stockholders! After all, who are they?! Business people wanting to speculate the pain of the working people, living a lavish life with their proceeds, people like Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Warren Buffet… Right?! WRONG. We are ALL – ALL who know and (most important and more) ALL who don’t have a clue. In N America, people can’t rely on government pensions so they invest, save for that future in which they are too old to work. Mom and pop, after working a lifetime, they are happy when their 100,000$ saved over 20 years becomes a 4-500,000$, allowing them a peaceful old age. If their 100,000$ becomes 2000$, we hate the ones we hate now anyway: they entrusted their money to people who were supposed to make them a profit, grow their initial investment. Would you accept a banking account which “gives” you a negative interest?! Let’s say it takes 10% of your savings for whatever reason: to feed the hungry, to keep jobs in your country, to save the whales, or pure and simply to squander it in bad investments? Would you open a “Big-Heart Account” or “Incompetence Account”?
In Europe and other places, people rely pretty much on the government to care for them in their old age. But how is government able to do that?! Print money?! Yes, they are doing it and that is why we’re in such a shitty place now. But is it feasible and logical to think that 1-200 EU/month you contribute to pension will generate in 20 years 1000EU/mo which will last another 20 years? How could this happen unless that money is INVESTED and, more so, it brings PROFIT? Government pension funds need to obtain profit, lots of it, to be able to sustain Social Services, so generous in Europe, to be able to pay for pensions. That or print money. So either you know/accept you are a shareholder or you have no clue, it’s a very good chance you or your loved ones depend on PROFIT to get by.
Politicians – Why haven’t the politicians done anything?! They are surely to be blamed. But a politician – I am not talking about the scumbags from poor countries – react (like all of us) when bad things are happening. What was bad before the crisis broke, before 2008, to require their reaction?! Corporations and banks were making sh*tloads of money, government was raising wonderful taxes on these piles of cash, people were happy either because now, magically they could afford a house to call their own (instead of, more appropriately, “the bank’s until the mortgage is paid”), or maybe because their house doubled in value in 3-4 short years. Workers had jobs sustained by construction, equity loans based on the house equity were flowing and eternal sunshine was glaring over the country, over all countries to an extent. This wealth, as rotten as it was, was fueling discretionary spending – more TVs, stainless steel fridges for everyone, 2-3-4 cars and vacation houses. “WE DESERVE IT ALL” – I hear this line from people “lost in shopping”, all the time. We do deserve it all – everything that happens to us is only OUR fault.
And when the crisis hit, what you would have done?! It would have been a sensible thing to let GM and Chrysler go bankrupt, let the banks go bankrupt because they deserve it. But it is estimated that auto-industry sustained 800,000 jobs and millions of people who depended on these jobs. If you are not living in a state where 20% of the jobs depend on automotive industry, you can say “let them die for the crappy job they did”; but if your constituents livelihood depends on these jobs how can you say “Go to hell!” ?! Come on, do-gooders, how can you tell some guy who tightens the same screw for 20 years (and does it badly) that he will have to get new skills and look for a new job and still expect to have him vote for you?! So, you save the few million NOW , hoping that someone else, not YOU will give tens of millions to the dogs when the seeds you planted NOW will reap the huge crisis. You print money and you pretend that happy times will be back in a jiffy… when in fact they are not coming back soon.
Government should have had control over the banks and companies and regulations. Indeed – but if you ever worked in the government, you know what a waste there is – people paid with 80-120$/h (160-240,000$/year), doing jobs for which they would have been paid 50K/year in a private company. 5 persons barely taking care of the workload of a single person – why?! Because of the damn regulations and damn comfort of the job they are in. Government is a black-hole and EU is a good example how regulations can stifle economy, growth, profit and thus jobs, pensions, stability.
I could go round and round and round but the fact is SIMPLE, if only the simple minds would accept this assessment: no one can cast the first stone, because we are ALL to blame. The arrogance, the gull of some idiots who take it to the market armed with good intentions but otherwise without a plan where everyone can win will not convince me. Do I want to live in a world where profit is balanced with the needs of the people? Do I want to live in a clean, eco-friendly world? Do I want to enjoy the benefits of modern healthcare and technology and what have you? OF COURSE I DO. I simply know that revolution is NOT the answer. Good intentions are NOT the answer. Big-heart is NOT the answer. We need BRAINS and careful information, we need an action plan which mediates between the interests of ALL segments, we need balance, not hippies shouting Mao’s lines, who – invariably – will end up being upper management in large companies. If we use our hearts and not our brains, we simply end up pave the hell.
There is a lot of GOOD to do. How can we do that?! Think and identify the LEAST of EVILS – because that is what GOOD in this world is.

Self-destructive

Fear! Fear is one of the most powerful driving engines of human psyche. It conditions us as much as, for example, love… and sometimes even more. Fear of being abandoned, fear of being cheated, fear of being laid off. It can seem a primitive instinct and maybe it is but it doesn’t seem to have anything primitive about it. In fact, the more intelligent and educated one is, the more fear one will feel – because one can envision much more ways of being hurt.
Hurt?! Well, that is the big idea – that we fear only bad things. Not necessarily true – sometimes, when we get too close to something good, very good, extraordinarily good, we fall into the eternal too good to be true and we start digging, investigating, analyzing, just to find out what is wrong with that close-by success. If there is nothing we can find wrong, we make-up something just to certify that nothing can be that good. I had good things a couple of times within my reach and I managed to sabotage myself with this self-destructive attitude.
It is as if – instead of being happy for a while but facing a probable misery, I am afraid of this happiness that will not last and I am ready to sacrifice it, so I don’t grow wings, so I don’t go close to the sun, so I don’t find out later that the sun is just a light bulb and that I am not Icarus but a moth.
There are places where the mind is of no use and where faith is all one needs. Faith is the only one that can keep the fear in check – not blind faith but a warm faith placed on the right to happiness we most probably have.

Depression – Part 2

As I promised, but later than I wished for, here is the follow up. “The pickle” with all my advices, the most important, the critical aspect I left for now. Nothing is worth a dime without the most important one of all –WILL/DETERMINATION. And, hey, that is exactly where depression attacks – the WILL. Most of us, let’s be honest, are lacking this in the best of times.

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Investing DIY – 5 – More details about stock evaluation

I thought I should capture some economic indicators that can help you make an informed decision when buying stock. These indicators and theory can be found in many places but it’s easier if they are in the same place, eh?! None of these indicators are an ultimate factor but each gives you a picture of a company – the more positive findings, the better the investment. These are the ones I used but each investment school thinks some others are more important. It might be so but one needs to walk before running.

Indicators to identify a bargain stock

  • P/E (Price/Earnings) Ratio – I discussed it before. A good investment has a lower/much lower P/E than its competitors/sector/industry. It shows how quickly, keeping up the earnings the same, the stock will be paid off from these earnings. A company with a P/E of 30 but with a 80% annual growth for the last 3 years most probably is a much better investment than one with a P/E of 25 but with 20% annual growth. Rule of thumb is that one should be very cautious with companies with P/E over 30-40 (they might still be a very good investment but please check carefully)
  • Price-to-book Ratio – How much the company is valuated on the market compared with the declared assets. A Price-to-book below 1 seems like a real bargain (in theory, if the company would be liquidated, you would get more money than if you were to sell your share on the stock market)… but be wary! Corroborate with all the other aspects, with its competitors/industry to find out WHY it is so undervalued. Below 2 should be still be fine.
  • Price-to-sales Ratio – Share price divided by revenues per share. It is useful when evaluating how quickly the company is growing and how fast it is growing its sales/revenues. Smaller is better – useful when comparing companies in the same sector. A company might be growing very fast, becoming quickly competitive, yet it did not attract yet the attention of the analysts, investors.

Financial Strenght (debt evaluation)

  • Quick Ratio – this is a quick look at the cash flow, the power of the company to cover its short-term debts with the money it generates. Above 2 is a sign of financial strength.
  • Debt-to-Equity Ratio – Total liabilities divided by equity of the shareholders. A high ratio here means the company is financing its growth by borrowing and that the growth would not be sustainable in time. (Sort of a person taking 10K from a line of credit and then bragging “I have 10K all the time in my chequing account”). It should be checked within the industry range. Capital intensive industries might have such a ratio as high as 2, while others have a normal range of below 0.5. Should be looking for those below 0.5.
  • Dividend Payout Ratio – This is the yield (money paid out) vs earnings per share. When we chose a company for the reason it pays dividends, we want to make sure they will continue to pay those dividends. Remember – dividends can be suspended at any time. Beside the length of time the company has a solid dividend paying record. Each recommends a different threshold – some people recommend a ratio of below 50%, others like it to be a little big bigger (70-80%), because it means the management is committed to having performance of the company high. In any case, any dividend payout ratio over 80-90% is a red flag. There are companies paying over 100% but, in long term, that is not sustainable (they pay more than they earn). Mind you – some investments – like REITs – are forced, by law, to distribute more than 90% of their income to investors, so it is ok in those cases to have a payout ratio of (let’s say) 95%.

Growth

Earnings-per-share, Sales, Dividend Growth Rates – all these, when compared to the competition/industry average, show how fast the company is growing. A company with traditionally not so good indicators – which makes it stay below the analysts’ radar – but with low debt and big growth in the late 1-2 years – might allow you to be an early investor in a success story.

Emotional

Beta – discussed before. It is an indicator of price change. Not so important in economic terms but important for your risk-tolerance. The higher the Beta, the more the price of the shares fluctuates. If you are easily unnerved, avoid anything above 1.

Others

There are many other indicators for the solidity of a company. Some are composite indicators I.e. GER Analysis is another composite indicator which combines some of these indicators and some others: P/E, Debt-to-Equity, Return-to-Equity, Price-to-Earnings-vs-Growth, Growth rates, Earnings-per-share, Revenues to provide a composite number 0 (weak) – 100 (strong).