INVESTING DIY – 3 – Selecting the right investments

Savvy
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I knew since the beginning of this cycle that this would be the hardest chapter, only I didn’t imagine it will be so hard. Why?! Because while there are only limited number of investment strategies, there are as many personal situations and characters as people on this world. This confusion, though, lasted only until I remembered something important: I am NOT a real financial advisor, writing for an audience of millions. Phewww – so all I need to do is to talk about the general guidelines that govern my decisions, rules of thumb etc. I will lay down some of them but probably now and then, as my experience grows, I will add more.

Basic Rules

  1. Invest LONG TERM. You are NOT a day-trader (trust me!). Trading often means commissions that can chew up your profit and – probably – translates into trying to time the markets. Not a bad career, interesting, exciting, but this activity is outside of my scope and I hope your too.
  2. Information is MONEY. Information and information processing. Not only financial reports but being up-to-date on the news and maybe trying to understand the world we live up to the point where we know where we are going to. I.e. If one knows that the world population is increasing by 74 million yearly at the same time that we continuously lose agricultural land due to misuse and abuse, the logical conclusion is that in the next 10-20 years agricultural-related companies will do well. Subscribe to economical magazines, financial newsletters, read the economical page of major publications… keep informed
  3. Discipline and Common sense is MONEY. Invest periodically, chose solid investments and stick to them for as long as they make sense. Just because many are selling that is not good-enough a reason to be selling – maybe you should be buying and taking advantage of the herd (but, yes, sometimes the herd can trample you so use that common sense)
  4. Greed is GOOD… but so is realism. A line in an article drew my attention – many intelligent investors know and prepare well for buying but very few are disciplined when selling: “Shouldn’t I stay with this investment some more?! It’s doing well, maybe it’s going to be making more money”… but then again, maybe not. If you estimate that there is no more growth in that sector and that is not compensated by other means, like dividends, sell it at a fair price. If the sector is doing less than good, take the beating and accept the losses. Better -7% than -35%. And remember, we’re not in this to double our money in one year but to grow them into a financial stable future.
  5. DISTRIBUTE the risk. The purpose is that overall you are making money and profits are beating the inflation. Especially in the beginning, I know what psychological impact would make losing money by betting all your cards on a single horse. So diversify by betting on the good geographical and economical areas.
  6. REINVEST. While I know that it would be very tempting to take those 2000$ profit to have that wonderful vacation, those could mean 8000$ in 20 years. If you put it that way, it might not be such a good deal. Dividend reinvestment (if you chose companies who pay dividends while insuring some growth) is a sure way to grow solidly. A conservative return of 7% will DOUBLE your money in 7 years. Not good enough?! Get a gun – 300$ – and rob a bank and you can make as much as 10,000% profit in 1h… which then you can hand it to a lawyer or a judge for a more lenient sentence
  7. Don’t forget about TAXES. If you invest outside RRSP/401K, made sure you know what you’re doing and evaluate the impact of taxes on your return. Some investments might seem meager but allow for tax deductions while others might seem booming but less so after tax. Subscribe to tax-reduction tips newsletters and use whatever means you have to reduce the taxes. Don’t give me that BS that you’re not believing in RRSP/401K/TSFA etc. – they are not GOD to believe in; simply some accounts with some perks that we can use for our own good.
  8. Invest in what you understand. Just because something makes good profits and everyone says it’s a good deal, don’t jump in the boat before you researched and made your own mind. Look for products and companies that you like and find useful. Warren Buffet said that if the business is good and solid (i.e. product is good) the price of stock will follow.

Let’s leave the theory and systemization to the ones who can do this. How did I go about investing?! Sergiu Preston helped me a lot – our conversations cleared my mind, confirmed some knowledge I wasn’t sure about and opened new idea threads.

  • Gold was a good investment although most articles were announcing that it peaked and there is no more place for growth. But then I read an article where somebody was pointing that in 1982, gold has reached 850$/ounce. Adjusted for inflation, that meant 2300$ in nowadays dollars so 1200$/ounce left ample place for growth. As the governments are printing more and more money (few years ago 440 million dollars deficit for US was a tragedy, now 1.4 TRILLION is a fact of life), it simply makes sense that all the investors would seek the shelter of gold. Fearful that the gold itself might be though too expensive and worried about liquidating should there be an issue, I turned my attention on the companies mining for gold and low-cost, no-load index mutual funds.
  • Dividends make sense in this tough economical times. Companies who seek growth when everyone is watching their pockets are making a huge gamble and by investing in them, you take one yourself. Better companies with moderate growth that put cash in your portfolio on a regular basis. I was shocked to find out that investments with 7-8-11% yield (dividends paid divided by price of share) don’t have to be risky business. Dividends are NOT guaranteed yet there are companies with a very long track of paying them – thus some certainty that, unless something earth-shattering happens – they will not cease to pay those dividends.
  • Energy – despite all the conservation promoted by the governments of the world – is required for growth and the demand drives the price of energy up. I found out that there are very good Canadian Trust Funds (google the term) which are about to transform into corporations and that the uncertainty made investors shy away from them, despite paying very good dividends 6.5-9%. With the capitalization they have (tens of BILLIONS of dollars) it’s unlikely they will vanish and bargains are to be taken advantage of. One of them, which drew my attention already converted to a corporation, it’s unit price grey by more than 4% and they still pay 6.3% dividends and there doesn’t seem to be a stop or diminishing them.
  • Emerging markets – we, the Westerners, we screw it up. By spending and spending and never saving we eroded our buying power. But hey, there are hungry new consumers on the horizon to save us and afford the luxuries we take for granted. China and other countries in Asia, Brazil and other South American countries are places where economy grows while ours is shrinking. Again, an index mutual fund – 0.73% MER and no load – was the solution to tap into that wealth-to-come. And this is a good example of personal attitude to take – soon after purchasing the mutual fund, it dropped by 7.5%. I studied the situation, I realized that it’s just a herd-attitude and stuck to them. In just 3 months they are back in black, more than 3% and I expect this trend to continue. The Chinese consumers are barely awakening and they will want everything we have: cars, electronics, apartments, nice clothes. The Chinese government started appreciating their currency, the yuan. With this, the average Xuang will see his buying power appreciating and will start buying more – thus better their economy will do. It’s just at the beginning but its a good thing to be in a sector when it starts rising than when it has peaked.

CONCLUSIONS: No matter what you do is still a guessing game. Information can help you minimize the guessing and thus the risk to a bearable level. By being informed and using your common sense, caring for your investments, not being overrun by emotions and keeping your greed in check, you WILL make profits. It’s all been written over and over again yet I write this to expose the human element: the initial fear and the joy when I realized that it’s not such a big deal to select decent investments. Bypassing the middle-man – the investment agent, who is on commision – you are already ahead of the game.

INVESTING DIY – 2 – Choosing a brokerage firm

Savvy
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In due time you will discover that not managing your own money leads to losses more times than gains. Probably sooner than later. In a strong economy, the lack of skills of the so-called “agents” is not so obvious. Yet when the mutual fund they chose for you charges 2.5% MER while losing 12% in value every year, things look clearer.

Don’t beat yourself. It took me more than 5 years to make the step. I thought I didn’t have enough money and thought to myself – what difference can 2-3-4% make on, let’s say, 5000$?! And, oh, my gosh, how difficult it can be to figure all those things out. And then, when I was ready, in 2007, personal things made me lose my focus and I dropped everything again. By January of this year, when I started taking the matter in my own hands, I had 10% less than the money I put in. Not so good for a 6-7 years investment, eh?! Well, that’s life! There is a right time for everything. But I also had the support and encouragement that a very good friend – Sergiu Preston –, a person with a vast life-experience and long track in investing, gave me to start this new enterprise, the act of investing by myself. He pounded on myself all these advantages I describe here, like – I am sure – he did for many other people. I am simply trying to pass-it-forward and to make the path to self-investing much easier.
In any case, when you will be ready to step in this brave new world, the first thing you will do is try to figure out who should keep your money. The comments I make below are mostly focused on Canadian brokerages. In the US, options are much wider, deals are much sweeter and things might be different but the base criteria for selecting a brokerage remains the same. Please also read the fine print and try to understand where you qualify. If you still have unclear things, don’t hesitate to contact the brokers with your questions BEFORE you sign, because later it will cost you a dime and a nickel.

Instead of doing my own research – because I am lazy and lazy is sometimes good – I googled it and I found this excellent breakdown for Canadian brokerage firms: Stingy Investor

As you check the brokerages, you will notice the wide-range variation of fees and commisions. Some are well-established and they are cheap… but only if you do >100 trades/quarter or if you keep +50,000$ in their account. For a beginner, that number of trades is unimaginable. Some charge as much as 29$/trade. Well, if you make 20 trades that is a 600$ – so you really want to pay the brokerage instead of getting that LCD TV for the bedroom?!

Ask yourself a number of questions:

  • Will I be trading in USD or other foreign currency?! Why is it important?! Because if the brokerage charges you a currency-conversion commission, you need to take that in consideration. In Canada, traditional, well-established brokerage firms will charge you 1% to change the money in USD, and when you sell the equity/mutual funds, they transform it back automatically in CAD, charging you another 1%, although you might as well desire to purchase something else from NYSE. It has been allowed to keep USD in RRSP (Canadian 401K) since 2006 , yet very few had adjusted their systems to allow such a thing.
  • How much will I be charged if I change my mind and want to transfer my funds elsewhere?!
  • What kind of customer support they have?! How does their trading platform looks like? How can I access it? Google it and see what other people say but take that with a grain of salt – might represent a particular failure and pretty much all brokerages have their share of bad stories they don’t want us to know.
  • What are the perks I can get by signing with them?! Brokerages in US sometimes pay incentives and don’t shun the 100$ you get or 100 free transactions they offer because it is, indeed, free money.
  • Do they allow DRIP (Dividend Reinvestment) and if they do, do they allow fractional investment?! (Explanation: If the company X pays you 40$ every month, it is a good idea to reinvest it by purchasing the stock of the company. But if the company is trading at 37$, buying it directly means at least 5$ spent for 1 share. DRIP allows you to have that purchase made without any fees. Fractional DRIP means the brokerage allows purchasing 0.98 units of that same share – some don’t, so if the stock is now 43$, they will place the 40$ in your account)

In short, try to imagine what you want to do, read all the publicity and fine print, tick them off with questions and pick up a firm that will satisfy your PARTICULAR needs.

But enough with the theory. Why did I chose QUESTRADE?!

  • low fees. 5$ for up to 499 shares, 0.01/share after that; 9.95$ for mutual funds
  • 1% rebate on mutual funds’ MER: but to qualify you need a certain amount (still, I can live without since I purchase funds with MER < 1% anyway)
  • 50 free-trades in the first 3 months and 100$ of free trades for every friend you refer (and he/she gets 50$ in free trades in those 3 months)
  • keep both USD and CAD in the account; the conversion is 0.5% and once changed the currency stays that way, unless I purchase something in another currency
  • while their customer service is less than perfect, and speaks with a funny accent (I have a funny accent too, Eastern European one :), they post good FAQ and I mostly rely on written documentation
    the joining process was simple and documented, most of the steps were done online.

Of course, nothing is perfect:

  • now I know that you have to log on 3 websites to see all features: one for Penson (the one that holds registered accounts), one for the main account settings, statements etc. and one for trading) – yet I can live with that.
  • Estatements are somewhat late – 10th of each month for the previous one
  • the free trading interface (one has options for paid ones – probably much better) is not great but does the trick. Now and then they list things in a way I don’t understand (i.e. USD currency kept in account was listed as a number, like a company).
  • While they allow for DRIP, they don’t allow for fractional re-investment.

Yet, I am with them and unless they screw-up badly, I will stay with them because I have no-thrill needs – and I hope that you will not try to become day-traders before you can walk 🙂

Next time I will present some basic strategies for picking up solid AND profitable investments.

INVESTING DIY – 1

Savvy
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WHY DIY?!

There are a thousand reasons to do so but they all pretty much translate in “because nobody care for your money as much as you do”.


The so called “investment agents” are simply “sales agents” and once they make their commission, they will forget about you until next year. You might say to yourself, for good reasons: how am I going to get the knowledge of the markets, or understand all those terms like derivatives, options, beta, EPS, P/E etc. Well, let me tell you the level of knowledge of some of the people you entrust your money with. Before migrating my RRSP investments to Questrade, I asked what fees I will be charged if I wanted to sell them. My agent redirected me to his secretary, being told “I don’t know this kind of thing”. My “agent” didn’t know what are the fees associated with my investments! How much worse can I do?!
My ex went to another agent and asked some trivial questions and made some savvy comments to let her know that she is not completely unaware of investing terms. The investment agent was so enthusiastic that couldn’t help herself ask “Did you ever consider a career as an investment agent?! You seem sooooo knowledgeable”. Otherwise she readily agreed with everything that Brindusa suggested. One would think that you walk into an “expert’s” office to get some insights, not smiling nods.


I will not badmouth a whole profession. I am sure there are good investment agents but, from what I’ve heard, those guys have their hands so full that they mostly focus on big-money and for the smaller investor they are pretty much out of touch. Indeed, you might have an active, REAL investment agent who makes you good money but then stick to him/her and thank God you are so lucky.


It just makes sense that the average investment agent will not necessarily recommend you the best investments but the ones that bring the best commission. A standard mutual fund that very seldom, if ever, beats the index mutual fund (the index of the industry the mutual fund is focused on), would charge you 2.5-3%. And that is yearly coming out of your pockets. A well managed fund, with no load – like Phillips, Hager and North (PH&N), which charge 0.8-1% will not be recommended by agents because the commission is too small. I calculated that the front-loads and back-loads (fees for purchasing a mutual fund: either paid upfront or when you sell them if they are sold before a certain period) cost me with my late agent about 2500$. Those loads are traditionally going into the pockets of the investment agent. Why would they recommend you something that makes YOU money and doesn’t leave much for them?!


I know it seems scary. I heard too the stories with people who lost everything. People asked me if I “play on the stock market”. Oh, God, NO! No such thing, not now and probably not ever. I will NOT play with my hard earned money.
Yet things are not as complicated as the fear of unknown makes them seem. After all, it’s a guessing game and, while nothing is certain, you can make safe, educated guesses as well as the “agent”, just less expensive. The point is not going for the “get rich quick” scheme, because there is no such scheme. For smart ones amongst us a “get rich slow” scheme is good enough and there are plenty of strategies. I never aim at outrageous performances – since most of the time they try to hide huge risks and weaknesses. Even so, one could get 5-7-9% dividend from perfectly sound companies, which reinvested, in time, can make the difference between a comfortable retirement and a stingy one.


Here are some initial steps to take:

  • Subscribe to some good newsletters such as (you can tell they are good if they have been for a number of years on the market – if they gave poor advice, they would not have survived long):
      • Read and understand the basics of investing without bothering too much with the higher level economical knowledge:

    • Complete Idiot’s Guide to Investments
    • follow the tutorials on Investopidia that will guide you with baby-steps to financial success.
    • Use a portfolio simulator, such as this one offered by Investopedia here – where you invest virtual funds and make virtual gains or losses.
    • Read what other people have to say, follow the financial news and try to get up-to-date with the global economy. By reading constantly the economy news from your newspaper, you’ll start understanding what industries are making money and which are in a volatile position.

Here are some facts to chew on until part II. Did you know that:

  • 300 shares of a stock paying 14% dividend, which you reinvest (DRIP), in 10 years will become 1160 shares?!!!
  • by investing 25,000$ in a mutual fund with 0.87% MER (management fees) instead of one with 1.72% MER, with 5% yearly average return, would save you almost 3000$?!!!!
  • most of brokeragers in Canada, when you purchase a US equity will charge you 1% currency conversion fee AND, if you sell the equity, they will automatically convert it to CAD, even if you want to purchase another US stock and then charge you another 1%?! Do this thing 2-3 times/year and you doubled the losses that a normal inflation (3%) would bring to your savings.

Empty Words

Commentary, Food for Thought
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There are some of us who never get tired of re-evaluating everything, for inquiring, never accepting pre-digested food-for-thought… but we are few. I remember a very smart assistant-teacher who, in high-school, proved to us that what we believed to be a just rebellion against mature people was a mere template we were using to prove we are different, not that actually made us different. Some kids become goths, emo etc. just to be different: enroll themselves into a huge movement (?) to prove they are different.
With age patience fades away – and I never had much to start with. Yes, I have much more patience in other ways but not with intellectual pygmies who repeat wise sayings and yet manage to empty them of all their meaning.


“You are as young as your soul is”. HUMANITY! How many times wasn’t I forced to listen to this phrase?! Armed with this phrase one can pretend one is as young as they desire or as the situation demands. It’s not a dumb phrase yet it is misused. From my observation, most people have an OLD soul after 30 (almost random age… but not quite). Some are OLD at 17, very few manage to preserve their soul young through all the vicissitudes life throws at them. Let me make myself clear. Your soul is OLD once:

  • you stop believing in blind love
  • you start making silly calculations in relationship and let the brain decide what might work and what not
  • you believe that passion is something that will come in time
  • you stop believing in true happiness
  • IF you still believe, you are not ready to fight for it and you expect it to knock at your door at midnight
  • you are suspicious about human nature and believe that people are out to get you and make you miserable
  • you try to knock down all dreams and aspirations that people might carry inside them
  • you believe that job satisfaction is something related to money
  • you believe that whomever has the biggest house, the most expensive car wins The Game.

Simply put, a 14-year old girl who plans to marry for money has an OLD soul. A 65 year old person who still looks for tenderness, kindness, can still bright up when complimented, still has goals in life and can fight for those goals, has a YOUNG soul.


A particular case comes to my mind. It comes from online dating. A Caveman wrote to this beautiful lady something that in his mind was probably a compliment: “You look good for your age! Use the looks while you can”. Don’t ask me why somebody would feel the urge to post something so hurtful. A simple answer would be “because he is Romanian” but it is really more complicated than that. Anyway she replied “As long as the soul is young, age doesn’t matter” or something to that effect. I had, at a latter time a private YM chat with her. In a very short time, this lady with a “young soul” told me – when discussing how I see a relationship – that I am being childish, naïve, that one should look for one’s best interest, that passion will come later, if ever… She blamed me for searching for true love because, apparently, there is no such thing. Life and some miserable love stories she went through (no details though, just innuendos) taught her that. While I told her that she was right, that I am childish and that I want to stay that way, I never had the heart to let her know that she is wayyyy to mature to get involved with me, unless risking being classified as a pedofile.

Being a child

Blues
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I feel such a spoiled child. I sometimes feel like dropping myself down and having a tantrum: it’s not fair, I can’t take it anymore, it’s too hard. I switch sides between accusing me of being a rotten apple and giving myself a spanking, metaphysical but a hard one, and finding excuses and allowing me some leeway.
After all, just yesterday, a good friend had his contract terminated and I realized that at 3 o’clock that his cubicle is empty and will stay empty, that I lost a good and intelligent person I could share things, ideas, opinions and who will not be afraid to tell me when I’m wrong… Later in the evening, confronted with the second day of Gabriel’s impossibility to do his homework due to some mental fears I will never understand (it was as simply as copying some stuff off the Internet and I was even pointing him what to pick from larger articles), I cracked and smacked him several times. And to end the day on high note, just like the scream of somebody falling 60 floors, I was dumped by a woman I should have dumped a long time ago for reasons of being too dynamic, after I allowed her to toy with me for almost 2 months.
And suddenly I felt abandoned, confused, lost, and desperate. I simply didn’t know where to go or what to do. I remembered that for the last 2 years I have been wondering the desert of online dating… with no end near.
I remembered that I wanted to purchase a reproduction from a Klimt painting Mother and child for the kitchen… and I realized it would be dumb. I mean I love it but it would always remind me of that much-desired-seldom-acquired unconditional love I probably received as an infant but I don’t remember anymore, and that I haven’t had in almost 16 years… since I split the last time from my girlfriend then, who later became my wife but only after I had chased all the tenderness and comfort she was able to give me.
I am oscillating between whipping myself: why are you ready to shed tears, Andi?! It’s just life, you take your lemons and make a lemonade. Real don’t men pity themselves and besides there is nothing to pity: you have your health, probably even smacking him Gabriel still loves you, you have plenty of money to go around, pay your bills, build a future… You should be ashamed of yourself!
But –the other voice gets to me my ears – it’s years and years and years of solitude, solitude in 2 that can help one fool oneself that he/she is not alone… and only 2 years since the feeling from inside materialized in the monster of loneliness… Indeed, you have been loved and maybe even adored but by people who didn’t even try to matter, people whom were never capable of earning your respect, no matter how low you set the bar. So it’s your fault, it’s only you and your stupid standards: no snobs, no ignorant, no flip-flops with a good dress, no fat and complacent women, no depressed and mind-numbing women, no powerless ones who will rely on you to carry them on your back, provide them with every comfort and who, when you need it most – like now – will tell you that they cannot help you…
And yet, like a selfish child, I am filled with rage and sadness; like a dog touched by rabies I am ready to bite everyone that even come close, letting them know that I don’t need their pity or emotional crumbs that they are throwing at me… in my inner core though asking for a loving embrace, for stars in their eyes…
I have accomplished, and keep on accomplishing and doing, and proving stupidly believing – despite knowing it’s not true (see “Buying Love”) – that somehow, somebody I can love and respect will hold me in their arms and relieve me of my burden, will lay in bed next to me and caress me into sleep with the love in their eyes and whisper to me “Everything will be ok. I love you and that is a promise!”.
But… it’s ok. I know what I have to do – I need to manage my loneliness… can’t leave it unattended because it can kill you. Will sleep and forget, forget and sleep and go back to one-day-at-a-time emotional hibernation, will pull through… and live to fight another day.

MeHarmony

Commentary, Food for Thought
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I just joined the famous dating/matching website. It took me through a very meticulous questionnaire and I like it thinking, like everybody else that this is a sign of seriousness. It was my second attempt. First time, I had filled the form late in the night going to extremes: either a feature was very important for me, or not important at all… in the end they announced me that they have no match for me, that I should not feel bad, because 1 in 5 people get this result. Of course I felt bad (and since I met other people who got the same answer and they felt bad too) but then I laughed at it, thinking: “OMG, I am really bad if even eHarmony rejects me… but that means I am special”.
I called it MeHarmony after a fake commercial on SNL that was suggesting that what people are looking for and finding is a duplicate of them in the opposite sex. While I don’t think that it’s the case, I noticed that in profiles listed on other dating websites that it is true: people look not to be completed and balanced by the partner but a totally identical image of themselves. This, now I realize, is another argument to my main point of this post: eHarmony, while very good in its intentions, is based on an assumption that is generally false… and no matter who good their process is from that point forward, the result will be tainted.
MeHarmony process could match people but only if they would be honest. Users are being told that there is no right or wrong so they should answer honestly. Most of them truly BELIEVE that they are being honest. From my experience though, people cannot be honest for a simple reason: being honest would mean that they know and accept that they have defects, some being big ones. No matter what is being told, introspection to know oneself and accepting the conclusions, no matter how unfavorable they might for one is not something people do. People want to feel good about them even when they have no real reasons. They are so desperate to believe that they are intelligent, kind, generous, patient that they lie, mostly to themselves. And what a better lie is there but the one you honestly believe to be the truth?! Once you managed to fool yourself, automatically you will be able to fool everyone else, especially and automated system like the one eHarmony makes available.
I remember that when I was a kid and got a bad grade or needed to hide something from my parents, I would cycle in my mind tens or even hundreds of time the lie… until that would somewhat make it true in my mind – with details and ramifications, just like the truth. I remember I saw killers that were proven without a shadow of a doubt, still denying any involvement and taking the truth even beyond the grave – and I believe they are convinced that it is the truth they speak. I know people who spend themselves silly, every penny, are in deep debt but still continue to argue that they are savvy people because they drive 10 km to save 2$ on an item. I know people who eat themselves to death but then say “I am eating so little and I still cannot lose weight”.
I always process information from stories seen or read and I identify myself with one character or another one – and to myself it doesn’t matter if that character is good or bad. At the same time, I had the chance (?) to share with somebody a documentary about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).. The person had pretty much all the symptoms displayed by the focus of the documentary. After a few days, putting a little bit of distance from the fresh emotions, I asked the person if she can identify herself with that character… and to my surprise and hers – I could read that in her wide-open eyes – she said “There is no resemblance between me and that person”. I was flabbergasted and only then I realized how far people will go to avoid accepting their flaws.
What are my flaws? Oh, quite a few and I described them clearly on eHarmony questionnaire. I have short patience – I trained it and I provide signs that it’s running out, but it’s still shorter that the average. I need a partner who can be honest and when they made a mistake can admit it so we can discuss how we can avoid it in the future (even by not doing a thing one doesn’t have the aptitudes to do it). It’s not easy to admit you are wrong but I taught myself to do the very same thing. I am focused and I need my space now and then, so clinging to me and calling me every 1h at work will make me run out of patience. I am not kind and I sometimes tell the truth (it’s better than years back when I would always tell the truth, required or not, delicate but mostly not) – now I fought with myself and, unless you really annoy me, even when I say it I try to adopt a form less aggressive. I don’t like surprises – good or bad… sounds crazy not to like good surprises, eh? That is because I go by planning and when plans are broken that doesn’t make me feel good, so I need some time for adjustment in my mind, for realization that it’s good, that we can work it out. If my nerves are tried out by someone, after a while, I end up saying extremely hurtful things which, sometimes, might be the truth but are still hurtful and the choice of words can hit hard people. It’s after a while and only if I am being poked hard. I don’t suffer criticism if it’s “in your face” (one might say I can’t swallow my own medicine) but if there is merit, when I calm down I will acknowledge not only by deed but by words as well the truth of that criticism.
Well, the previous paragraph could be seen as an argument to what I was saying – I find myself excuses for all my flaws. I believe that they are not excuses but that they are true, the result of many years of finding out my flaws and working on them… but then again, maybe I am lying to myself so well that I have no chance in knowing the truth.

Just sunshine, wind and speed

Blues, Food for Thought, Uncategorized
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If one reads my blog would be left with the idea that all I do is bitching… and it would an approximately correct impression. I wish I was blind, I wish I could simply enjoy life and not care what other people do or think… but that would just not be me. I always envied and blamed my father for having a quality that enhanced his life: being oblivious at everything that went around him. He would tell me often “Why do you get in fights with your mom? Can’t you just do like me: get a face appropriate with the topic, nod and just think about your projects and things you want to accomplish?” Well, the answer is NO. Now I know why – he probably has Asperger Syndrome, just like my son – and what he thought it was a developed trait it’s an inborn one. The only solution for me to be like him would be living on a desert island… and, with my luck, probably dying of appendicitis or something trivial, before I can get to a doctor. And yes – I used to blame him for withdrawing in his inner mind and letting me to deal alone with my mother’s nagging and dissatisfaction.
But no more bitching! Life is – as I often describe – interesting. No, you “shinny happy people” it’s not beautiful – sometimes is sad, other times is tumultuous, in spots is dramatic or happy… but it’s damn interesting.
Recently, as most of my friends know, I purchased a motorcycle. I had some money I was getting back from a credit card, the time is right and prices were very convenient, motorcycles attract women and I am a single dude… so I didn’t honestly was on the edge of my seat due to impatience. I was thinking also about all the hassle for the rider’s license, high-insurance for a new rider so I had my doubts. You imagine my doubts when, after a break of 13 years from the last time I rode, I had to take my new motorcycle home – I was yellow with fear, spun around a close-by parking lot until people thought I was crazy. But then it all came back to me… from the mist of my lost youth (don’t tell me that you found it!) the joy, the exhilaration of being in the wide open, fighting the wind, leaning in curves… I find it hard to describe the happiness that after just 1-2 days dawned onto me.
I was amazed how a simple object – I never believed in buying happiness – could bring so much pleasure, confidence in what is and what will be, and sheer happiness. When I sold my motorcycle – I think it was 98 – it was just like all my dreams of adventure, of open spaces, of the world being my shell had ended. I remember that when my ex would try to talk me into having a child I would tell her: “There is no 3rd seat on the motorcycle”… and then I would bend under the burden of my selfishness. And yet I sold it for all the correct reasons: I am a married man, I can’t kill myself, it’s not practical, it’s not comfortable. When I came to Canada, I flirted somewhat with the idea… but then I gave up. I used to joke (somewhat bitterly): “You know how I figured out that I am getting old? When I came to Canada my wish-list was: 1. Motorcycle; 2. Boat. Then I thought about the wind, the rain, the hassle… and I compared with the tranquility of the boat on an empty lake… and the new order has become: 1. Boat, 2. Motorcycle”. If I was true then, maybe it’s true now and maybe I found the perfect time-travel machine: the motorcycle. When I zoom across empty roads, my mind takes me back to the University’s campus where friends and I used to loiter on a fence and watch the spring wind blow up the girls’ skirts… It takes me back to a time where there were no deadlines, no real obligations or responsibilities. And then I leave the city and get in the middle of nowhere and the cool evening sends in my helmet the smell of “sinziiene” – flowers my grandfather had in the country side… and of dung… In a blink of an eye I am back to my childhood and all those enormous days of summer that ended in a story and listening to politics on a radio with lamps. And these memories are more like feelings than thoughts because I have to stay focused on the road ahead, scouring for rocks or potholes or some animal that might came out the woods.
If somebody thinks that I made a bad investment, think how much you would be willing to spend to be young again?! It’s all there, bottled in that V2 engine and it gets released into my body as I’m sprinting amidst the orange shadows of the sunset.
Yes, it’s true that after 1h of riding my buttocks are starting to get numb, I have a stabbing pain in my back but I simply cannot thing about them.
I am simply happy again. Not as happy as I could be if everything would be perfect in my life but enough to make days at least bearable if not even more enjoyable. I normally go to bed late and wake relatively early and that makes me somewhat grumpy. Now I am going to work with a smile on my face because I get to ride my motorcycle (although the morning rush can be quite unnerving).
Many people are asking me “Aren’t you afraid? So many accidents”. I am afraid – less now that when I purchased it but still the anxiety is somewhat high. Still, I ask rhetorical – why do only things that you are comfortable with? How can we become with new things, feelings, actions if we don’t experience them ever? I like challenges. Just like I love to do only complicated, presumably impossible things in my job, I also try to face any fear that my mind or my body flutters in me.
Yes, I am aware it’s still early to make long-term judgments. It might be that in 1-2 years the rain, the cold, the insurance or even a wipeout, would show me that motorcycle is not really for me. But then I will be able to lay in its grave my youth dream without regrets, love it and remember it if for what it was – a whim of crazy youth – instead of carrying it inside me as a frustration: oh, I could have been so happy if only I had the guts/the money/the X to do it.
I’m going back on my steps and maybe it’s not so wrong to look for happiness in things.

Brain – an obsolete tool

Commentary, Food for Thought
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I know that I am what could be called “The Voice of Doom” but I believe that society needs people like me. Following the traditions of SciFi and distopic writers I try to show the world how bad it could be, marketed in a coherent social image. Most of the time it doesn’t really help or at least not in the short run because society has such a huge inertia. Beside that, people who, in this time of happiness, still bother reading such dark scenarios… or simply bother reading, don’t really need to be told about it because they can probably make up for themselves the society I am writing about. For those, let’s just say that I am simply adding up all the markers and unify the big picture.
Yes, the brain becomes a more and more obsolete tool. What has began as a way to enhance our lives, to free more of our time for our pleasures and to allow us to pursue the happiness, has metamorphosed into a race for removing the daily functions of our brain.
Now, let us sustain this. We use GPSes to navigate our way not only in unfamiliar surroundings but in environments that should be/become familiar, like our own cities, large or small. I met quite a few people who, after living more than 5 years in a place, still can’t name the major streets and boulevards or even highways of their town/city. At the store, the machines add, and subtract and even the change to be given/received is computed from the bills handed. In general we don’t do this and is difficult to explain to children why they should memorize the multiplication table, as long as we don’t. We don’t read and instead watch TV because images speak more than 1000 words, are easily digested. Even so, it seems that with the increase of technical quality of our TVs, the intellectual content of the programming and of movies has decreased. We have PDAs and organizers and “intelligent” cellphones that can remember the telephone numbers so that all we need to remember is “John” or “Mary”. Even guessing time instinct is quite lost since we have so many sources of finding out time. A search engine can retrieve information in a matter of seconds and children know this better than anyone, since many teachers advise them to use Google for their homework. Not so many years ago, that very same information would have taken weeks of research, a number of books read and so on – now it’s received instantaneously in a pre-digested form and students never manage to grasp the idea that education requires effort. Started as a current against the dumb memorization process of the past, the educational process now moved into the other extreme, of considering memorization a totally futile tool, even when it comes to multiplication table or the national anthem.
This advantage, of having information at our disposal, lead many people to consider that there is no necessity to store it in our brain. Just like we don’t store water in wells because we have running water, we ended up by not remembering personalities names, dates, pretty much anything that is worth remembering. As a normal consequence of this excessive “offer” process, the value of the information has decreased and the “demand” has decreased. If you can find anything, anytime, anywhere, what is the point of storing it and – mostly – processing it?
Going back to another post – many people are against using the word “STUPID”. What they fail to perceive is that using less and less our minds, we DO become STUPID, individual after individual, and – eventually – as a society! Just by not talking about it is simply pushing the problem under the rug.

The Perfect Life Partner

Food for Thought
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Yes, yes, I know, there is no perfect partner. Still, as Robin Williams says in Good Will Hunting: “… she’s not perfect. Neither are you. What matters is if you are perfect for each other”. This material is trying to take a snapshot of somebody who would be perfect for ME. Why am I writing it? Just so I clear my mind, visualize my expectations and, when doing so, understand if they are realistic or not. Everyone seems to know what they don’t want but that is really not very helpful in the quest for a partner. Like always, I am trying to be different.
To figure out the answer to “how would your ideal partner look and behave like” I started by trying to find out who I am, what I can live with and what I cannot live without. Everyone looks for unconditional love – and I agree that this is how true love is. But how does one reach unconditional love? You meet somebody, go out on a few dates, share some laughs and have a good time in the sack and there you go: unconditional love?! It doesn’t make sense. It just dawned onto me – as I was writing these lines – that the road to unconditional love is through conditional one. At least for me. I am dual – a down-to-earth person and a dreamer locked within the same body. Through some unsuccessful experiences, I discovered that the perfect love, in my case, would have to address both my mind and my soul. Only when I will be have them agree, I will know that I met a long-lasting relationship.
Conditional love?! So what are these conditions that should be fulfilled? Only the person involved knows because for each of us the conditions are different: for some perfect beauty is the condition, for others success, for others intelligence or kindness but, in most cases, a mixture of all of these, in different percentage. When these conditions are met and solidified using the cement of time, only then unconditional love appears.
It took me a while to understand that respect and admiration is one the most important for me in a relationship. I want to receive them but – at least as important – I want to be able to offer them to my partner and have good reasons for doing it so. Well, pretty much everyone demands respect these days but, unfortunately, very few are ready to do something to gain it. I had myself a hard time understanding and accepting that respect is earned and not given. Moreover it is hardly gained and easily lost. I know with certainty that respect and admiration for the one who accompanies me in life would make me be the best I can be. I accomplished many things but I know I can accomplish even more if only I would have somebody close-by that I can look up to. I don’t like inter-relationship competition but, as a fact, I always try to meet the standards my partner lives up to (not those my partner would want to impose on me without imposing them on themselves). If those standards are low, I find very little motives to push me forward.
Of course, respect and admiration are very general. What raises respect in one person, could not make another one blink. I gained the respect of my mother by simply proving myself capable of doing house-chores: cooking from scratch, cleaning the house, washing and ironing clothes. For years and years I had many excellent accomplishments that few people can boast and yet they didn’t mean anything for her. Suddenly I do something that pretty much any responsible adult should be able to do and I am raised on a pedestal.
So what is that I do respect and admire?! I admire true fighters – people who know what they want in life and want reasonable things and find the power not to wine for not having them but work hard to get it and somehow manage to still remain moral. Trivial? Most people would like to think so because they think highly of themselves. Personally, I am not convinced this is a quality easy to find. People want better homes, better cars, better vacations, and better family life but very seldom do they want to create the basis for this: better themselves. I take pride in my work and, as such, I respect more a janitor who does his work impeccably than a PhD who didn’t learn anything new in a number of years. We all have things that we are not capable of doing but we can’t know that for sure unless we gave it our BEST try.
I believe that a strong partner can motivate one to raise the bar for himself too (or so it should be). Like a competition. Not an unhealthy one – many times partners compare salaries or other sordid matters as a base for the internal competition and that leads to many issues. I usually say that for me envy is a positive feeling: whenever I envy somebody for their accomplishments, I do not deny those accomplishments but my mind starts working about what I can do to match those accomplishments I admire. Self-satisfaction can be as destructive as never being content – and not only on oneself but in his close ones as well. What is the point of pushing you forward when doing this just increases the fault line between the two partners? And if you do push yourself forward, the trench that separates the two will become insurmountable.
Without being a snob about it, I am a person of relatively good taste. It’s not something I did educate or actively sought to become. It just so happened. I accept the evaluation of what constitute refine things is relative but there are some accepted guidelines. Sometimes, like in literature or when it comes to movies and sometimes in art, I can verbalize my choice. Other times – like in the cases where I am less educated – such as wine and wine tasting, it’s instinctive. Actually I kind of hate snobs, the real ones, the ones who think that expensive is better, the ones who can never achieve a personal opinion but just take it from critics… not the other archetype that the pop culture pushed onto us: people who have good table manner, who are educated and so on.
Lack of any good or at least genuinely interesting taste in culture and education is, definitively, a put-off for me and I would not see myself sharing my life with a person with whom I cannot share artistic feelings, impressions – I say share, not communicate because I yearn for conversation, not monologues. And yes, my partner’s taste don’t have to be totally similar to mine – although a common ground would be helpful – but they need to be somewhat supported in the great scheme of things. I would definitely appreciate someone who can initiate me in new areas of culture, music, food etc. I realize now that I am looking in a person the same quality that I am looking for in art/cultural products: novelty, inspiration, insight, not repetition.
Speaking about taste, I believe one tragedy of the world currently is the continuous search for comfort. I am not the one to despise the comfort under normal circumstances but when it comes to wearing flip-flops in a good restaurant, putting the legs on the table in the same restaurant, going in pajamas to the bus station, walking bare-feet through the office… I believe some of us are going too far in this search for comfort. This all boils down to there is a time and a place for everything but not every time and place are suitable for something.
I also found out about myself that while I am a dreamer, I am still anchored very much in reality. I live on this Earth and if I wrote SciFi or fantasy it means I like to speculate not that I believe in such. I have little tolerance on people who try to meet ET, who believe that crystals are a cure to anything, who believe that the cure for cancer is in the possession of some dude in Kirghizstan and it’s not released just because a huge conspiracy of the pharmaceutical companies. Exploration of these topics, speculations I can sustain but once I feel that there is belief I back down especially because, from my personal experience, I know it’s not a single “birdie” flying up there but a whole nest of them. In other words, I am looking for some common sense. Yes, I know that common sense is not so common but I would nevertheless try to find some. To be honest, reading this I am wondering if I have common sense: somebody who have common sense would probably accept quickly when they do something out of range, while somebody who doesn’t have common sense would never admit to such a fault. Yet, still, I know I can judge somebody who doesn’t have common sense: if you believe that you are saving when you buy useless or seldom of use objects when they are in sale, you don’t have common sense; if you constantly believe that the others are in the wrong, if you don’t see (or admit) when you are at fault, then you don’t have common sense; if you keep on doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result, you don’t have common sense…
All in all I’m not asking much from my partner – just the impossible: a strong person (not a stubborn, or yelling one), with a decent taste in all that makes this life worth living, based on a solid common sense and that’s it… And please, before you swear at me, remember – I never demanded more than I can offer.

Giving voice to those…

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“Giving a voice to those who never had one” seems to be the message of the day. It is viewed as a quality, public figures receive praises for doing this and the message behind it seems to be that democracy itself leans on this principle. Since it is such a revered course of action, more and more people either promote this generous idea or take advantage of its application.
Yet nothing is all-good, just as nothing is all-wrong. It is a good principle but its implementation leaves a lot to be desired. We live now in a world of cacophony where everybody seems to have been given a voice and uses it in the most violent way. I believe that the idea behind this phrase was for the society to employ caring, intelligent, knowledgeable individuals to voice the desires and aspirations of the silent ones to those groups of governance and organization who can do something about them. Yet this idea was somehow lost and now everyone, no matter how educated, how informed, how intelligent, is given the gall to speak up. And that exposes the weakness of democracy – where the vote of a very informed person, intelligent, who pondered heavily on the matters at hand can be voided by the vote of somebody who doesn’t have the slightest clue about parties, candidates, what they stand for. The same way, the clear, informed voices get lost very often in the cacophony of the well-intentioned, ill-informed masses.
Now, please, don’t get me wrong. People should have a voice, no matter how wrong it is. After all I sincerely believe in the freedom of the speech and one of my favourite quotations is Voltaire’s “I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” I admire any opinion, no matter how contrary to mine, if it’s presented with arguments and with a sound reasoning.
I used to believe myself that there are lots of people, admirable ones who due to a lack of exposure, could not have a beneficial impact on the society. And it is true. After all my grandfather, a simple peasant, but educated and self-taught, who would stop reading and getting informed only until the harvest, was such a man. Still, life has shown me that the vast majority of the people doesn’t have opinions. This situation doesn’t seem to prevent them from voicing the opinions of others without stopping and considering their validity. And it would be impossible to analyze these ideas/opinions/ideals because they do not have the tools to do this. They don’t have the tools and the biased leaders of opinions don’t offer them (for good reasons – they might work against them and their agenda). In an age where ignorance is cherished and promoted, all one has to do to push his ideas is to wrap it in a good intention and decent, but sub-mediocre minds would embrace it. Examples for this thing happening are in the thousands. Take for example, the help given to Africa. It seems like a “no-brainer” (oh, the love of the society for this term shows where we are heading to), a good and generous instinct that we have to send money over there, to help the poor children (no, I’m not ironic, they are poor, they are destitute, they live difficult lives), to send them fertilizers and help them grow a solid agriculture. Unfortunately, it only seems. There are a number of voices – smothered by high-profile do-gooders such as Bono or Bill Gates – who point out correctly that the western help, if anything, made the Africans even more helpless, it made the rich more rich and that many average people were pushed below the poverty line. Fertilizers made them more dependent of the prices of oil and fertilizers destroy the soil as it did to India in the 70s and 80s. Still, trying to point this one in public will make them treat you as a criminal who wants to condemn those poor people to eternal hunger.
And that brings us to the next point: it is ironic that exactly these new voices stifle the voices of reason, those who try to understand, investigate and debate things. Well intentioned people write to magazines complaining about racism in a 19th century depiction of N American society (duh! wasn’t there any?). When somebody dares to state the fact that Hitler did – a side effect, unintentional – a social service by confiscating and then hiding thousands of art works in protective bunkers, masterpieces that would have probably been gone in bombardments or vandalized, then he is bullied out of the job because he, an anti-Semite for sure, dares see some good in a sacrilege.
To me this seems like the radical groups who want to be given a chance to use democratic tools to get in power and then destroy the very same democracy that gave them a voice. Any lucid opinion that is perceived as an attack of the human values is shamed and destroyed with rush. This contrasts with times not long passed when stupidity and uninformed opinions were shunned and publicly ridiculed. One might say that is better kindness than intelligence but I beg to differ. Idiotic kindness can lead to more evils than considerate intelligence.
I guess my opinions make me an elitist. I am sure they do, but what other option is there? One would not want a bus driver piloting the plane one flies with. One would not desire his children taught history by a mechanic or have his food cooked by a chemist. Then why let uneducated, uninformed or even stupid individuals (yes, stupid, like in low-IQ but not as low as to be considered mentally challenged) make the decisions for our present and/or future?! Voice, like respect should be given to the ones who deserve it.

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