Forgiveness in relationship

The previous entry was just an introduction to this one. Analyzing my personal life, my family background, the things that brought me peace or made me feel frustrated (sometimes to the point of loss of control), I spent much time thinking why people who care for each other can’t live together, what could have made it better, what are the triggers and what mends.

I realized that, at least for me, fights that do not end in taking responsibility, apology and (maybe) promise to be better, in complete and formal forgiveness, stay with me for a long time. It might be not so for other people. I realized I have a long-term emotional memory. Why do I say “emotional”?! Because, while I remember what was said, I also feel again what I felt and, in a moment, I am back in the emotional swirl of events as far away as 20 or more years. It’s like the frustration, anger and pain of that moment never went away, it was just pushed under the rug, waiting for a right time to be brought in the open again. Pretending it never happened (to hurt/be hurt, to be betrayed/betraying) will never help as it DID happened (or so the other think) and from that point onward only the healing can help, not denial of it happening.

From other people’s stories I understand that this is how many people feel. Okay, not many have outbursts like I do, but they feel the same. I couldn’t help wondering “What is so difficult?! How can one not only hurt and wrong you but also deny they did this, sometimes shift the blame on you”. I heard many stories of people who added insult to the injury and I asked myself why. I know that human nature is weak, I know that we don’t always do what is right and it is ok but if we did wrong, why can’t we at least offer the comfort of an apology. Well, a heartfelt apology, one we can accept, comes naturally only after admitting to ourselves that we were wrong. As I said in the previous posting and in the one about eHarmony, for some people it is so difficult to look in the mirror and see what they did (not what they are; if only they would understand this!) that they are ready to go to any lengths to avoid this. We need to feel that we are the good guys and when this image is untenable from the logical point of view, we shift the blame onto the victim. It’s ironic almost: we are ready to add to our bad deeds and words just to defend the image of the Good-ME.

In any fight occurring in a relationship, BOTH sides are at fault. ALWAYS! While everyone seems to agree on this, when it comes to enumerating their faults in breakdowns of relationships, many will list “too understanding, too good, and too caring”… OMG, aren’t they taking too much burden on their shoulders?! . In fact, if we analyze honestly the situations we could discover that we were brutal, lacked sensitivity, understanding, and patience. If only we could have told that to the other. But, normally, we don’t. It happened to me that I took responsibility and apologized for losing control although I knew that anyone would have lost control in the same situation and the result, contrary to a middle-of-the-road solution was “Yes, you should apologize. Yes, you did wrong”. Unhealed previous fights spring up again in the conversation and the “You NEVER” or “You ALWAYS” throws everything in a destructive spiral.

Let’s check those words. “YOU” is maybe the most unhelpful word in a fight. The only person one can hope to control is oneself. What the other one should have said, done, and think is not something you can influence. If we want to change something, either the world or the behaviour of another person, there is only one person we can act upon: ourselves! “ALWAYS” and “NEVER” are also destructive words. Not only did we shift the blame onto the other with that YOU, but now we transform them into villains and condemn them to an image of evilness. No wonder that they react with the same words. I suspect that these words – ALWAYS and NEVER – come also from the fact that previous conflicts never ended with a complete healing, with apologies, with spreading the blame evenly, as it should have ended. Yet, as we know, “two wrongs don’t make a right”.

How can this vicious circle be broken?! Think, think hard, and force your mind to analyze and to seek your own faults. It has many virtues this path. First, when you discover what you did wrong, it will be much easier for you to forgive the other one. If you start from the angle that you are blameless, you feel entitled to throw the stone. Less so if you admit to your own failings. Don’t start by weighting who is MORE to blame. Maybe you just turned your back onto somebody who was shouting – it seems like an appropriate answer to a less than polite behavior and many people will not accept it as a fault. But that is ignoring the partner, their pain and you were as rude as they were by not accepting a conversation or at least acknowledging that they have a discontent. Secondly, if you manage to see and accept your failings, you are ready to defuse the situation because you are ready for an apology.

The sooner you reach this point, the better this is, in most situations. If the wrong you did is deep, then it might be good to let some time wash the gravity of the situation and then try. Open your mouth and say what you did wrong, accept it and admit it. It should be easy if you admit that you are just a person who did wrong, and that doesn’t make you an evil person.

Let’s recap (I fear I might have lost myself in too many words, as I usually do):

  • As I said, justifications, superficial excuses etc. NEVER help! They can only pour gas on fire.
  • Related to this, what we intended to do has only a limited relevance in the overall context. “I didn’t want it to end this way”, especially when said in a less than caring tone, is no excuse in the fact that (from the point of the other) it came out bad.
  • When one says one is hurt, there is no point in justifying, explaining why they shouldn’t feel that way etc. Feelings are feelings – they exist and by denying they exist we make the pain/frustration/anger grow.
  • Allowing the pride to take over and looking for an easy way out (something like “let’s pretend it never happen”) is no solution, not for the long term. A relationship can continue but it will not be as strong and complete as it could have been otherwise.
  • When a fight occurs, focus on your OWN failings, analyze and see what you did wrong because you DID wrong, even if your wrong seems (in your own eyes) less than the other people’s wrong.
    Think if you never, in your life, did a mistake similar to the one you are blaming. It helps!
  • Once you identified your failings, say them OUT LOUD. You have to make the other understand what happens in your head, how you feel about it. Don’t assume that the others know you feel guilty! Silence is of many kinds: guilty silence, accusing silence, ignoring silence.
  • APOLOGIZE and do it properly. “I apologize for . I was/did wrong” As you can see, there is no follow up after what you did wrong. No “but-s and if-s”! Don’t just say it, believe it! Unless you are Meryl Streep or Jack Nicholson, most people will be able to feel if your apologies are sincere. If you cannot assume responsibility for your faults… then it’s your fault for what will come.
    Insist on these apologies, in the same short and decisive manner, if the other one continues ranting or wait for a more auspicious time (when they calmed down)… Maybe even let them know “I will wait until you calm down and are ready to listen and maybe accept my apologies”
  • Say what you have to say in a short, serious, responsible manner and drop it. Don’t try to get a correct emotional response right away. For some people (myself included) it takes some time to ponder on what was said.
  • Promise that things will get better, that you will work on yourself and try very hard to fix those faults you identified, that drove the other person’s anger.

Will this fix the problem? Will it fix your relationship? Not necessarily! You can ask for forgiveness but you cannot force it. You have good chances, depending on the fault and how skilled you are with words. Besides, what is the alternative?! Continuing fighting, pretend nothing happened until next time when something happens and all these frustrations show up again, ride that destructive spiral? It takes two to fight and it takes two to make-up so you will not be able to solve the problem on your end. If the other person is not so enlightened to make amends and apologies for their own faults, there is nothing you can do ANYWAY. In that case though, you can continue with your life with a clean conscience, knowing that you did everything to fix the fight, the break-down, and it wasn’t possible. Still, be optimistic – people, as I said, want to be good, to forgive and be forgiven. You can create the opportunity for all these to happen.

Apology, Forgiveness and Christianity

I was raised in a culture in which nobody would admit guilt. “L’enfer c’est les autres” (The Hell is the others) seemed to be a Romanian unspoken guideline. Parents were never mistaken, teachers were infallible, bosses never chose the wrong path, marriages ended with bitter resentment on the mistakes of the other, never self-blame. Oh, sure, “nobody is perfect” would be acknowledged and repeated but it never applied to the speaker. That doesn’t mean that people didn’t feel or know they were guilty. We, the Romanians, are not more stupid than other nations. It’s only that words were missing or when they were coming they never give peace and forgiveness.

In 2003, there was a minor incident at work. I assumed the previous sys admin knew what he was doing and I did a modification requested by the company. Under that correct assumption I managed to wipe-out 110 business email addresses and work email started bouncing. When accused, I defended myself and explained that it’s not my fault that the previous sys admin didn’t know what he was doing. My manager looked at me sad and said “Andi, remember: it takes a great man to acknowledge its mistake”. I didn’t say anything but his words resounded long time in my head. After all, in the situation mentioned, if I had been such a good professional I consider myself to be, I would have double-checked the settings left by the previous sys admin.

I wanted to be a great man and with vanity fighting lack of responsibility, I started admitting my mistakes, taking blame, saying “I’m sorry”. In the beginning it was a daunting task – saying the words felt like ripping my guts. In time, it got easier, especially when I noticed the effect on the ones I wronged. They would calm down quickly, and hey would be forgiving and often give me a huge leeway. Most people want to forgive if we’d only give them the chance. By denying guilt, losing ourselves in long and tedious explanations and argumentations, we only manage to enrage the ones we hurt.

Christianity is NOT a dead, abstract philosophy. I never looked at it that way, at least not at Jesus: a concept, some rituals, shiny or dark clothes and candle smoke. It is alive, if only we try to use it. I was never capable of believing in the fact that Jesus is LITERALLY “The Son of God”. I see him just as very humane person: philosopher, psychologist, politician (in a very lose sense), and many more things. I wonder why the form, spread by St Paul, crossed times and ages yet the essence is very often ignored.

Despite many religions having similar or close concepts, Christianity is the one who established a complete model for “repentance”: acknowledgement of the sin, honest sorrow, making amends and, eventually, forgiveness. Such process is needed because, most of the times, it’s not the other’s forgiveness we seek, but our own. With the exception of a tiny percentage of population, pathological cases, it seems to me that there are no good or bad people. We all did wonderful things and we did things less than laudable. We are simply people doing sometimes good and sometimes bad. But we need, we have this basic human need to feel that we are GOOD, that we are the good guys/gals. If we are told that we are bad, if we feel we did wrong, we are overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness, we don’t like ourselves, sometimes we even hate ourselves. It’s a amply-discussed concept and I can certify it over what I discovered studying myself: In order to be good, we need to love and like ourselves. But when we sinned or wronged or hurt, be it God or people we love, people we care or even ones we don’t care much for, we stop loving/liking ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves and as the first step toward that personal forgiveness and peace of mind is achieving the forgiveness of the ones we wronged – God (through the mouth of the priest), people we hurt etc. That is (maybe) why Jesus included in his philosophy the idea of “dying for the sins of everyone”. I feel that he wanted to relieve the feeling of shame, of hopelessness that can push us toward more evil actions or words, the same feeling that pushes us closer to Hell (albeit a metaphorical one). When one is a lost soul, when one cannot do anything to redeem oneself, what difference does it make if one continues on doing whatever one feels like? And when you feel bad, you feel like doing bad things. It’s also about hope – without hope of redemption, why would one change one’s ways? If we can, on the other hand, achieve forgiveness and a clean slate, a new start, there is still hope, we can hope we will become GOOD, deserve the love of God and of the others.

The Yin without The Yang

“Yin and Yang are not opposite forces, but complementary forces that interact within a greater whole” – Wikipedia.
I was always afraid of both the people who aim to do good, at all costs as of those who want to do evil. I almost said that I encountered the latter segment much less often but then my mind drifted to my Romanian background where an opinion like “Those [X] should be exterminated and it will be much better” or “Why don’t they execute all those who…” could be heard freely at a, let’s say, dinner party. Still, everyone wants, if not to be good, to be perceived as such. It’s such a pushing and shoving into “the light” zone that one would think that the world is made of children who all want to play the good guys and there are no candidates for the thugs.
Sounds silly my fear, isn’t it?! How can one be afraid of good? Good is good, after all – should probably sound in one’s mind, not used to start on the path of idiotic questions like “what is the definition of good?”. I simply shudder when I encounter that clean, innocent and blank look: That is what we should do because it is THE RIGHT THING to do” (and by “right” read “good”).
In every deed, in every action, there is Yin AND Yang. It’s difficult to accept. Even people who mentally understand this have a hard time accepting it. I know I did. I am not even talking about “shades of gray” but of pure good and pure bad. Give me the one thing you consider that cannot possible be evil and I will show you the evil in it. I remember reading in a National Geographic that teaching children in developing countries to wash their hands could save 3 million lives every year. Who would ever disagree that this is a good thing?! But that special issue of National Geographic was talking about water shortages worldwide and that the planet is reaching the breaking point. Yes, we consume too much and we could be more thrifty but do you really imagine in a world where every drop of water matters. Do you imagine yourself on Arrakis (read Dune if you haven’t done so), where you can only take sponge-baths?!
The search of pure good always led to evil! That is my theory. When rejecting human nature and the dark side of life, when we believe we can separate them, our actions lead to monstrosities. Reading the deeply kind and understanding philosophy of The New Testament, some reached the conclusion that burning people on stakes will make this a better world. Wanting to narrow the gap between rich – who had education, food, a complete life – and the very-very poor who were struggling to maintain a human identity in their unfortunate birth, Communists did create so much pain and suffering. Nazis too. We want good and we want it NOW, we don’t have time to wait for slow changes! And then we suffer and say, for the thousandth time: “Never again!”.
Yes, good and a too ardent desire for pure Yin leads us every time to pure Yang.
I know that it is difficult to accept. I tried to spread this word around – it’s not my finding and it has been said through ages in many, many different ways. Unfortunately, while one can explain such concepts and have people understand them, one cannot do anything about acceptance. Acceptance is something 100% personal – one has to accept such revelations; one cannot be made to accept a revelation.

Depression – Part 2

As I promised, but later than I wished for, here is the follow up. “The pickle” with all my advices, the most important, the critical aspect I left for now. Nothing is worth a dime without the most important one of all –WILL/DETERMINATION. And, hey, that is exactly where depression attacks – the WILL. Most of us, let’s be honest, are lacking this in the best of times.

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Good-Bad

For a very long time I wished to be good… and that strong desire made me become bad many times. I would speak my mind – giving many times “cutting” opinions, made people feel bad and then feel bad about myself for pointing them what their inner self tells them too but don’t want to admit. Feeling bad about yourself is the sure way of behaving nasty toward the others. What is worse is that while in time I learned to be more diplomat with people I don’t care much how they live their life, I kept on giving my truth to people dear or close to me, the ones with a future I perceived intertwined with mine. In other words I scold only the people I care for, just like I scold myself.
No, I am not a good person. Not in this definition: telling people what they want and what they need to hear. I do good deeds – many times I was told that too much out of my way to help people, even to get away from their own mistakes, but I can’t help telling them what they did wrong. And that is wrong – because people know what they did wrong, they know why their lives are not what they want them to be. They simply would not admit it. And that is why attending lifestyle-gurus conferences don’t make one bit of a difference – people don’t need to be told what is wrong, they just need will to fix what they are doing wrong. Unfortunately, I am so impatient that I keep on forgetting that one is never a prophet in his/her own country and I believe that a simple demonstration would (as it should) be taken for what it’s worth.
People spend too much and then complain publicly about the state of their finances. Do you think they need to hear me pointing out the errors of their budget (or lack of)?! People make wrong emotional choices – hanging on too long on a destructive relationship… do you think it makes any difference if I point out the futility of expectation of love and care where it didn’t happen in 1-2-3 years?!
I remember how angry it made me when my ex told me that she is with a man who is “good”. It seemed so unfair! He paid for 2-3 dinners, told her that she is the most beautiful, accomplished woman he ever knew and had become good. I, on the other hand, to consider only the Canadian period, sustained her financially for 4-5 years. But during this time I told her what I considered is wrong: that taking Computer Science during the layoffs in the technology sector is dumb, then she should chose the stable job, not the exciting one… and unfortunately I was accurate as a soothsayer and she resented me for this. I pushed her to make a credit history, a driver license, forced her to become autonomous so in case of my death, she could continue to be on her feet and take care of Gabriel. That is why I became “mean” and a stranger who didn’t help in any way in her becoming was “good”.
No, I am not a good person. I am just like a horrible Jiminy The Cricket… the voice of conscience, telling people “That is wrong “… but they already know it and just do what they were programmed to do. In the end I resent myself too because I think I am a complete idiot expecting the pig to fly, the eagle to dig the soil, the chicken to kill and so on. What I build with dedication and hard work, I destroy in a moment with my damn mouth.

Money, Life, and Happiness

It’s just my life philosophy that I am trying to share with you. Everyone is completely free, in what I am concerned, to decide how to spend their money. The issue that I have is with the unhappiness money generates. I always believed that while money doesn’t bring happiness, they help preserve it. Well, it’s not true. Families with incomes of 150,000$ or more end up unhappy, in debt. I see them trading their long term peace of mind, relaxation for the “cheap” thrill of unwrapping NOW that desired gadget or car or thing that somewhat complicates their life and makes it less happy.
Money is meant to be spent. I agree. Up to a point. All?! Even money one doesn’t have? How much borrowed money do we need for our happiness?! Pretty much none. I did it, don’t get me wrong – even my motorcycle was financed with borrowed money. Yet a measure must exist – you pleasure yourself, then I believe you should take a break from pleasuring yourself… for a while. I have even witnessed the idiotic vicious circle: I am in debt, can’t make ends meet, I am unhappy sooo… I will buy myself some knick-knack that will make me feel better. What is even more infuriating is that the people will feed you wise sayings such as “life is more about being and less about having”.
As I was saying, happiness is much simpler and cheaper than you think. Renovating the kitchen with 600$ and some work – change handles, paint it, some spots, new window covers – will make you happy in ways a 12,000$ renovation made by some contractor will never be able to do. At the end of 2 years that you have been saving money, purchasing that set of living-room furniture you dreamed of will reward you infinitely more in joy than living with the dangling sword of 5000$ loan taken right before losing the job. What is wrong with saving and letting the Joneses get into bankruptcy?! The 10000$ invested when you are 30 that becomes 20000$ at 40, will buy you that peace of mind that the quick thrill of shopping never can.
The common point seems to be this desire for perfection NOW. Purchased a new home?! What kind of dream-home is that which doesn’t have hardwood floors, interlock patio, new furniture?! And the sad truth is that when we achieve our dreams we don’t fill fulfilled but EMPTY. We reached our goals. And now what?! Now we should mess our lives: get more toys, a bigger house, get in debt, break the marriage over accumulated debts, blame the other for decisions we helped take.
We need goals in life. Most of us don’t have Earth-shattering goals: to build a pyramid, to circumnavigate, to compose a symphony. So I believe that we should spread our goals over a longer period of time. Instant gratification doesn’t work. Not for those who seek peace and happiness.

Doomsday

We hear in the background – IMF and EU offer 78 billion EU bailout to Portugal, US debt reached 14.3 trillion $ (BBC Source), Greece has close to 500 billion EU debt and pays 13% interest rates on 10-year government bonds (BBC Source) … Still very few people stop to ponder what does this means for them?! Even fewer see the writing on the wall. It’s in our nature to believe that we can make any kind of excesses and that we’ll never pay for them. US, a country ridden by debt, this is the first year when people are allowed to pay their due taxes using a CREDIT card.
What does it mean 14.3 trillion $ in debt ?! It means that each American – old, young, newborn, making 12,000$/year is liable for close to 48,000$. And this doesn’t include the personal debt! Right now the Federal Reserve keeps the interest on this debt artificially low, close to 0%. What if US would have to pay 7% (less than Portugal pays right now and almost half of what Greece pays)?! That would mean 1 trillion $ in interest only, every year.
So why should one care?! Well, to finance these huge debts that countries run without much worry, the printing machines are running hot. US is financing this huge debt by printing money. All our monetary system is pegged onto USD so we are all liable to pay for it when The Reckoning Day arrives. Many people are completely oblivious about what it means inflation, not the real one or what is called hyperinflation (BBC Source). Yes, prices are rising but what if they increase by 3000% per year as it did in Brazil in 1994 (BBC Source)?! The bread that costs 2$ today would be costing 60$ in a single year and 1800$ in the second year. Do you think that your salaries or the ones on which you depend to live your life would increase at the same rate?! Yes, people will make strikes, pressure on the governments would increase (as we have seen in France, Greece, Portugal etc.) and actually by creating an unstable political system it would become worse. Soon. Very soon. Can you see this future with 20-30% unemployment, with public sector continuous strikes, with interest rates of 80-90-120%?!
But this will not happen, some would say, because US can continue to manipulate the currency and make the games. It is not so. For years now, they are having a hard time convincing the world countries to keep USD in their local reserves. Pressures on Saudi Arabia, made them change their mind in 2009 about leaving the current system. Last week, Mexico purchased gold worth 4 billion USD. Chinese government, stuck with huge loads of USD (close to 1 trillion $) that they acquired by financing American splurge, is on a shopping spree to make use of these reserves which soon might become worthless.
Not scared enough?! How bad can it be? In 1923, 1 USD was worth 4 trillion German marks! Prices were doubling every two days! In 1985, Bolivia suffered inflation of 12,000% for 1 year.
What is there to do?! Surely there will be life after the crash of USD. Maybe not as we know it but there will be. We have to minimize the risks. Go back to basics: live without (or as little as possible) debt, save and invest, learn to do more with less and… don’t forget to enjoy life. Who remembers that old saying “Best things in life are free”?

Watcha gonna do?!

The lack of logic frustrates me. It frustrates me deeply. I can’t help the feeling of being helpless when I am confronted, for example, with a mother complaining about her child’s weight and 10 minutes later encourages him to have a snack and use lots of mayo. Or somebody complaining about the debt burden and then, right away, proposing a long, expensive vacation.
People are not stupid. Not THAT stupid, anyway, yet they seem to not exercise any control over their live. Mostly everyone agrees that we are trashing this planet but most don’t see anything wrong throwing 2-3 years old electronics just for the sake of latest fashion, replace the car every 4-5 years, buying more junk to fill their closets. Everyone says financial responsibility is very important but when you point out their debt, they say “well, everyone has debt”. Most of the people deplore the technology invading their lives, but if one waits a few minutes you will hear “Ohhh, I am adicted to my blackberry/iPad”. All the media is filled with articles about the decline of knowledge – high-school graduates not being able to be functional even in the most modest jobs, inculture of the most shameful kind, yet somehow the main idea of the education system is to not push the children to achieve more, do more. We are surrounded by a “whatever” generation and yet many of us replace parenting with friendship and expect teachers to do our “dirty” work… but without being stressful on the children in any way.
Most people know what is good for them, know what is the correct thing to do yet they indulge themselves into doing what they want, when they want it. Of course, everything has a justification. “The more you buy, the more you save” or “we need confort” or “carpe diem”. Nobody accepts the fact that our perverse mind can rationalize anything and give a justification even to the most unjustifiable things.
Caught up in hedonism, preferring immediate, superficial pleasure to deep, long term satisfaction, we ignore willingly common sense. Of course it is hard doing the right thing, it takes self control, it takes tough standards applied to ourselves but not everything that is hard is bad. So very few children love math – yet should we remove it from curriculum just because it’s unpleasant? Does anybody want a surgery and the long recovery?! Then why don’t we just say to the surgeon “Please, dude, don’t do it because it will be, like, hard on me and, like, totally unpleasant
Why don’t I simply accept and ignore it, enjoy life?! But I do and I apply what is right mostly to me and those that I hold dear. “Whatcha gonna do?!” say all with a shrug. Spread the word, make yourself and people confront their own failures , adjust and try – to the best of one’s abilities – to live by the principles you have. And NEVER accept pre-digested thoughts just because they make your life easier.

Pawning Our Future

My ex said once that we are still born slaves and it is our duty to pay for our freedom. This made me think and compare it with what we accept as being slavery. In Ancient Rome, slaves had the option of saving the tips, do business and profit and, in the end, pay themselves out of slavery. Few did so, indeed. Most would use it for pretty things, wine, instant gratification. Their children, born out of a slave would remain slaves as well.
Truly, there isn’t much difference. Most of us hate to work, to be at specific times somewhere, the rush hour, being away from our children. But we all love confort and instant gratification and we are having issues defining clear and sane boundaries. At 20 we call a confortable car one that doesn’t break in the middle of the road, has running air-conditioning and, maybe, automatic transmission. At 45, suddenly we are having a hard time driving a car without heated seats, without DVD player and navigation system, 7 seats which we fill once a year and 300 HP to carry all that load. At 25, a one bedroom for ourselves is comfort, at 45 we NEED that 3500 sqft and 5 bedrooms for two adults and one child. And to pay for this increased comfort, we have to work, to go where/when we don’t want to, to have 2-3 weeks of rest per year, half of it being used to maintain that huge house…
Easy debt makes us stay always behind the moment of freedom. Bigger income, bigger house, more comfort and we never repay ourselves out of this modern slavery. Comfort?! What could be more comfortable than the thought of playing with the children in the park, reading a book in peace, having enough time to do our chores properly and still be left with some “me time” – all these without thinking of the next bills?!
I believe that everyone should live their lives whatever way they want. Yet I am still shocked that people can’t see this hamster wheel. And they stay blind not for 5-10 years but for all their lives. They declare that they want happiness but don’t seem to notice how miserable they feel after 20 years of doing the same thing, upgrading, replacing, redecorating. Or if they notice they have something missing in their life they blame it on anything else but on this behaviour.
Now, don’t you think that I am blameless! I’ve been through this but when I discovered why I was living hand-to-mouth, I asked myself what am I doing with my life, why do I work in a profession I don’t particularly like – to pay the bills. I want comfort too and I have urges for luxury too but then I fight myself and discover that I can be happy without that Mercedes and without increasing the square footage of my home. The thought that one of these days, soon, I will have repayed my debt to Capitalism, that I will be able to pay my minimum bills with the income I generate, is soothing.
Freedom, for me is to be able to do what I want, when I want. As long as I didn’t reach that point in life, my philosophy is not to over-live. Live the day with the soul, not the wallet.